Sara Smile

If you follow me on Twitter, then you must know that I’m a fan of Hall & Oates. I absolutely LOVE Daryl Hall. I swear, his voice speaks to my soul.

While watching an episode of The Voice, I was pleasantly surprised when someone sang ‘Sara Smile’, one of my favorites from Hall & Oates. It wasn’t bad (the guy actually passed the show’s Blind Auditions), but I somehow feel like it’s my responsibility to share the beauty of the song’s original version and the story behind it, as well.

The song was actually written for Sara Allen, Daryl Hall’s then partner. They were together for 30 years. They never married, though. They broke up in 2001 (according to Wikipedia), but every time Daryl sings the song live, you can still FEEL his love for Sara. Sigh.

Here he is singing it live back in 2008 for an episode of Live From Daryl’s House, his online show (now also a TV show, I think).

(^proof that men get better with age^ God, he’s super hot at 60-something!)

Going back to the song, here’s what Daryl had to say (in an interview with http://americansongwriter.com) when asked to share some memories about the song (prepare to swoon!):

“Sara Allen was my life partner, a co-writer and, to some degree, a muse too-for many, many years. We’re not together anymore, but she certainly was a very significant part of my life…and that song said what I wanted to say about her. That song came quick because it was such an easy and direct thing I was saying lyrically. I know the song means a lot to her now, although she’s told me that she can’t hear it anymore. It plagues her; it drives her out of the supermarket. When that song comes on, the reality hits that we’re not together anymore, so it’s a very poignant and hard thing for her to deal with.

I can still sing that song today and feel real about it-and always will-because emotions don’t change even though circumstances change.

The song is about timelessness. As usual, we were stretching the boundaries of what we were doing, trying to find ourselves, and a song like “Sara Smile” is one of the more pure soul songs I’ve ever written.”

Sigh. I wish I could be someone’s Sara. </3

I’m just the idiot who fell in love

It’s worse than my worst nightmare.

It’s as if I’m watching myself in this really, REALLY sad movie with the most god-awful, heartbreaking plot–except it’s NOT a movie. THIS is actually happening to me. THIS IS MY LIFE.

How is it possible that nearly three years since the day you broke my heart–so much so that I thought it couldn’t possibly be broken any more–you manage to do it all over again?

It hurts so, so bad. The pain is consuming me. There aren’t enough words to describe how it feels.

Somehow, there are days when I fool myself into thinking I’ll be okay… I’ll get over you… I’ll soon forget the agonizing pain you caused me.

But who am I kidding?

THIS is the mother of all heartbreaks and I don’t think I’ll EVER get past it.

One day, I’m going to be known as the old lady who lost her great love at a young age and never moved on.

Oh, and congratulations. Quite a catch you got there. I’M SO SORRY I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

12

It’s been a while… And I wonder if you ever miss it… If you ever miss us. I wonder if you ever miss the ups and downs, fighting and making up, the drama, the thrill, the passion, the love, the life we had when we were together. I know that it didn’t work out between us, and I know that the odds of you and me ever getting another shot are next to zero. I also know that you’re in a good place now, and you have been for quite some time. I guess I’m glad that someone’s taking care of you and making you happy. I know that if she loves you even half as much as I do, then you’ll be okay. I sincerely wish the best for you no matter how much you’ve hurt me. And believe me, you have. You broke my heart. And I know for sure that nobody will ever break it again as much as you did because I’ll never feel for anyone the way I felt for you. I know I’ll find someone else to love, who will love me maybe even better than you did. But I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter who it is, or when it will be–I will always love you a little more.

I will love you forever.

Hopeless… Romantic

ahhh, imagine how frustrating it is,
to finally find someone you wanna kiss,
and not be able to.

this man makes my heart skip a beat,
a little nudge and i might be head over feet.
this scares me.

i should know better, but still...
i've been hurt, i'm vulnerable and fragile.
he made me smile again.

if i could only be where he is,
i wouldn't even be writing this,
i'd be there in a heartbeat.

I Spit On Your Grave

MOVIE: I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

Last Saturday, I was talking to my radio partner Cerah about a movie I downloaded recently called ‘The Devil’s Rejects’. While I haven’t completely watched it, I kind of already scanned it via my laptop’s VLC player, so I knew that it involved some nudity and a lot of blood–the perfect 1-2 punch for a movie to gain a cult following of sorts.

Enter my movie-buff boss Paeng, who upon getting reminded that I have a thing for movies with plenty of blood and nudity (more towards the latter, though!;P) suggested (albeit hesitantly) that I watch the remake of ‘I Spit On Your Grave’, a rape and revenge horror film according to Wikipedia.

I’ve never even heard of the original, but according to Paeng, it’s a cult movie from the 70’s that became quite controversial because of its extreme violence and its exploitative scenes.

MY SUMMARY:

The movie basically revolves around the main character, Jennifer Hills. She rents a cabin in the woods by herself to work on her book. On her way to the cabin, she gets lost and stops at a gas station for gas and directions. There, she encounters Johnny, Andy and Stanley for the first time. Johnny, the leader of the group, tries to make small talk, lays it on too thick, and ends up getting laughed at by Jennifer for delivering a pretty lame line–something like, “You know you’re running pretty hot, want me to check under your hood for you?” In an attempt to leave the gas station hurriedly, Jennifer somehow ends up spilling gas on Johnny. She pisses him off for embarrassing him in front of his minions.

Jennifer eventually finds the cabin, gets settled, and starts writing. A plumbing problem arises, and she calls for help. As soon as she hangs up, she accidentally drops her cell phone in the toilet, turning it into a useless gadget from that point forward. Help comes in the form of Matthew, a mentally-challenged guy who happens to be a part of Johnny’s crew. After Matthew finished fixing the problem, Jennifer gives him a peck on the cheek out of sheer relief. He ends up telling Johnny and the guys about it and somehow, the conversation takes a wicked turn, and they end up plotting an attack on the helpless city girl.

On a night when Jennifer decides to have a little drink and smoke a joint while writing–just a couple of days since she first arrived at the cabin—Johnny, Stanley, Andy, and a seemingly unwilling Matthew, breaks in to put their evil plan into action.

They scare her, humiliate her (they made her simulate fellatio on a gun and a bottle, for crying out loud!), and showed her absolutely no mercy whatsoever. Jennifer manages to escape, and makes a run for it in the woods where she fortunately (or not!) runs into the town’s sheriff and his friend.

Jennifer’s relief doesn’t last long, though, as Sheriff Storch turns out to be cohorts of the guys who assaulted her. Her ordeal begins anew and takes on new heights, as the men have their way with her one after another. Not only do they rape her, they continue to humiliate and torture her, as well—with everything being recorded on Stanley’s video camera.

Before the guys could kill her, Jennifer manages to jump off a bridge, into the water, and disappears. The men assume that she’s already dead, and they decide to burn all the possible evidence that could be used against them (the tape that contains the video, her clothes and other possessions in the cabin, her car) while waiting to find her dead body.

Jennifer’s corpse never turns up, because guess what? SHE’S ALIVE!

One at a time, she takes out the guys in the most brutal, gruesome, bloodiest way imaginable. She starts off with Matthew, moves on to Andy and Stanley, and then Johnny. She saves the grand finale for the sheriff. I won’t go into detail anymore as to what she did to each one, but let’s just say I’ve never seen anyone pull off revenge the way Jennifer did!

MY MUMBLINGS:

Now that the plot is out of the way, here are some of my random observations and thoughts while watching the movie (and also AFTER the movie):

1. Stanley looks familiar… GASP! It’s because he’s DAMIEN from Mean Girls! I couldn’t really take him seriously as one of the rapists anymore as soon as I realized that! Hahaha!

2. Jennifer reminds me of Trista Stutter, a former The Bachelorette contestant. She also reminds me a little of Megan Fox and Nina Dobrev (must be the hair!).

3. Johnny is TOTALLY hot! In fact, his line that Jennifer found lame would have probably worked on me! I mean, seriously, he’s like a tougher, rougher, less pretty version of Josh Duhamel!

4. I only cringed once throughout the whole movie—when Jennifer pulled out Johnny’s teeth one by one. The rest didn’t bother me as much, I guess. Hahaha. I think there’s something wrong with me.=P

5. As ridiculous and impossible as the revenge scenarios were, they were just pretty entertaining to watch—in a sick, sick way.

6. My tolerance for blood and gore (and perversion, too) in movies is pretty high.

7. This movie isn’t for the faint-hearted, so I’m not sure I would recommend it… But then again, you can always hit the STOP button when you can’t take it anymore, so if you’re 18 and up, I say GO check it out.=P

IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU, SAY SOMETHING

If something is eating you up inside, try letting it out. How many times have you found yourself wanting to say something but biting your tongue because of fear–of being rejected, of being maligned, of offending someone, of not getting the results you want, of making a fool of yourself, or of making a mountain out of a molehill?

Whatever happens, I think that you owe it to yourself to stand up for what you believe in–as long as you stay within the boundaries of reason, of course.

However, you should always remember that standing up for what you believe in doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful or close-minded, nor does it allow you to shove your conviction down other people’s throats. Always leave room for compromise. And as hard as it seems, always be prepared for the worst possible consequence.

You might not get your desired outcome, but at the very least, you might earn respect for having the balls to deal with the situation head on.

Sometimes, the most important thing is getting it off your chest rather than losing sleep over it.

Life is too short to spend so much time worrying about things that you have no control over, such as other people’s feelings. Worry about your own, because at the end of the day, if you don’t look out for #1, then who will?

I’m glad I spoke up.

+ – CHANGES

Everyday I get reminded that the one thing constant in this world is CHANGE.

With the most recent reshuffling of personnel at work, I thought it was only fitting to talk about changes on the show.

HOT TOPIC (June 27) – Name a positive or a negative change (or both) that happened in your life recently.

++++++

If I had to choose just one positive change that happened to me recently, I would have to say it’s allowing myself to feel something again.

It’s been a while since I last felt anything for anyone. Since my ex and I broke up, I’ve been stuck in relationship (or lack thereof) limbo. I was always either pining for him, or just coasting through life pretending to be okay with being alone, or swearing off love altogether.

Some weeks ago, though, something happened to me that I didn’t quite expect. I met someone. Well, not really, but sort of. It’s too complicated to explain, but let’s just say I literally felt my heart beat again. I’m not sure if it was just good timing, or if it was really because we seemed to hit it off right away.

All I know is, he puts a smile on my face every time I talk to him and I always look forward to the next time I get to talk to him. It’s silly. It’s crazy. It’s something I never imagined would happen to me because it’s the kind of thing I used to make fun of other people for.

The thing is, it’s not really the most plausible idea considering the circumstances, but the hopeless romantic in me says “who cares?!”

I’m not saying I’m in love, but I feel something–maybe it’s infatuation, or maybe just an odd fixation. Maybe it’s not even him–perhaps it’s just the idea of having an object of affection that’s got me hooked.

Regardless of what happens to this whole thing, I think I know why our paths crossed. He was sent to me for a reason, and that’s to let me know that my heart isn’t dead after all. He symbolizes all the possibilities that I forgot even existed. And for that, I will always be grateful.

In all honesty, I don’t have high hopes for “us” at this point considering how disgustingly cheesy and corny I’ve been with him lately. I think I let my guard down too fast and it’s so hard to recover! I should have played it cool and kept the whole sexy, flirty thing going rather than showing him my dorky side! Ugh! I think I shot myself in the foot with this one! Oh well, what can I say? I’m too expressive for my own good sometimes! It’s so hard for me to contain myself when I get excited about something, or in this case, someone.

Anyway, he’s just really too cute for words. And too sweet. And funny, too. I’ve never met anyone like him. And trust me, I’ve met A LOT of guys. He’s just… a breath of fresh air.=)

What did I just say about being dorky and being unable to contain myself?! =P

——

As for the negative change, I would have to say it’s smoking more.

I don’t really consider myself a smoker (and I never have), but the past few weeks have been the closest I’ve come to being one.

Just to give you a little background, the first time I ever tried lighting up a cigarette, I was around 10 or 11 years old. I stole a stick from my Dad’s Phillip Morris, lit up, sucked and puffed once, and then threw it away. I got such a rush from doing something I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing! (It was kind of like that time I sneaked into the garage and started the car when I was about the same age.)

The next time I did it was in college, just because it seemed cool at the time. I remember buying packs of Capri outside school and smoking it with other ‘cool’ (pa-cool is more like it) kids. Hahaha.

Now, I guess I look at myself as a social smoker–someone who enjoys smoking every now and then in the company of others. I’m not really the type who goes crazy when I don’t have cigarettes. In fact, I can do without them for weeks, or even months, but then I find myself wanting a stick (or two… or three or four or a pack) in certain situations.

When I’m at parties or nights out with friends from work, I tend to want to smoke. Maybe it’s to compensate for my lack of drinking since I very rarely enjoy alcohol in my system, or maybe it’s just because almost everyone around me smokes.

When I’m on the beach, I also get the urge to smoke a lot. There’s something very enjoyable about it that I can’t explain.

It’s funny because I probably only learned to inhale while smoking last year. I used to be the hithit-buga type of smoker, you know, just suck and puff without inhaling.

I’m not even the type of person who has vices. Like I said, I don’t like drinking, and I’ve never even tried any illegal substance (nor do I want to) all my life. Well, fine, I did try the whole 420 thing twice. The first time I did it was about 3 years ago with my boyfriend at the time. Second time was with a couple of friends a few months later. And I never even got high both times.

The point is, I’m too much of a good girl (more like a BAD good girl) to be a real smoker. So I guess I should quit completely while I still can.

MY CONVERSATION W/ THE MAGIC 8-BALL ONLINE

ME: Should I just message *new guy*?

MAGIC 8-BALL (M8B): OUTLOOK POSITIVE.

 

ME: Does he like me?

M8B: ABSOLUTELY!

 

ME: Am I in trouble at work?

M8B: MOST LIKELY.

 

ME: Is *new guy* the one for me?

M8B: CAN NOT PREDICT NOW.

 

ME: Will *old guy* and I ever get back together?

M8B: VERY DOUBTFUL.

 

ME: Is it a bad idea to call *new guy*?

M8B: MY SOURCES SAY NO.

 

I therefore conclude that this Magic 8-Ball online thingy is the BOMB! Hahaha!=)

HOPE

Today, I realized something very important. Heck, I would go as far as saying that this might even be life-changing.

I AM HOPEFUL.

I was listening to the remix of Unthinkable by Alicia Keys and Drake when it hit me.

One day, I will fall in love again. It won’t be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen, eventually. And when I do, I plan to fall madly, passionately, unabashedly, head-over-heels in love—AGAIN.

I’m saying again because I already felt that way once. I’m positive that I already had a great love in this lifetime—but just because I did doesn’t mean I can’t have another one.

I’ve been so resistant to even just the thought of finding new love and I think I’ve finally figured out why. While I didn’t want to settle for someone that would make me feel less than I did for him, I was more scared that I might actually find someone who would make me feel MORE. I was convinced that my past relationship was more epic than everyone else’s—or at least right up there with the greats. (Think Romeo and Juliet, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Carrie and Big, etc.) I still am. I guess only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong… But now I know that it doesn’t even matter.

I don’t know what it’s going to be like next time I fall in love. It might be just as great, or it might just turn out to be beyond-my-wildest-dreams-GREATER. But whatever it may be, it’s not going to rewrite history and change how much I felt for great love # 1.

That’s not necessarily bad for great love # 2 or 3 or so on…

I didn’t say all those things because I’m not over him, but because I have finally accepted that it’s over between us. FINALLY.

I admit, I’m not totally over him—but I’m getting there. I say that not in a pathetic, self-soothing manner, but in an honest to goodness HOPEFUL way. I think a nudge in the right direction might be all I need at this point.

I know there might still be a handful of wrong men the universe will throw in my direction before I get to be with THE ONE, but I look forward to them all. I’m just so excited to feel something for someone else again.

I can’t fucking wait.=)

*****

UNTHINKABLE (Alicia Keys ft. Drake)

Moment of honesty
Someone’s gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I’m gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now
(You should say it right now)

You ready?

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
(I deserve it, I think it deserve it..Let it go)
It’s becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
And I can’t take it
(I can’t take it)

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)

I know you once said to me
“This is exactly how it should feel when it’s meant to be”
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we gon’ do something ’bout it
We should do it right now
(We should do it right now)

Bay, uh

You give me a feeling that I never felt before

And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
(I deserve it, I know I deserve it. Let it go)
Its becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
It’s what we make it
(It’s what we make it)

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready)

Yeah, sing…

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can’t say I came prepared
I’m suspended in the air
Won’t you come be in the sky with me

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)

INTUITION

i have a suspicion

but i’m not in the position

to call anyone’s attention

and cause more friction

between us

 

there’s a new star in this movie

i’ve been replaced, clearly

the look you used to give me

now belongs to this not-so-pretty

white trash

 

it’s none of my business

i’ve got no reason to stress

and i know you couldn’t care less

what i think would be best

for you

 

with us it’s always tit-for-tat

but i don’t want another spat

i guess it’s just that

you should have told me off the bat

we’re through

HOW LUCKY ARE YOU?

Have you seen that pre-jail-slash-rehab-LiLo movie ‘Just My Luck’? I thought it was pretty entertaining in a mindless sort of way but I realize now that there’s some truth to it, you know. Some people are just born luckier than others.

I’d hate to call myself unlucky, but the truth is I’ve learned to rely more on skills than luck based on past experiences. Don’t get me wrong—I am grateful that I was blessed with certain abilities that help me get by, but it would be nice to have lady luck smile at me more often.

Take for instance what happened to me after work last night. There I was, ready to head home after grabbing a quick bite at the canteen downstairs, when all of a sudden, the entire sole of my left boot decided to peel itself off of the shoe. I don’t know how it happened since I didn’t really trip or anything beforehand, and it didn’t really show any signs of wear and tear, it just… happened. This is the kind of thing that just happens to me for some unexplainable reason.

I remember back in college, when I bought these adorable platforms. They weren’t exactly cheap, so I was pretty confident that they wouldn’t break easily. But alas, one day, a few steps away from the Chess Plaza on my way to the SPS Building, I tripped and found one foot platform-less. The strap just gave and I ended up buying all sorts of adhesive at the SPS bookstore trying to reattach the strap temporarily but failing miserably. I ended up cutting a class because I had to call home and wait for someone to bring me a different pair of shoes that went with my outfit.

There was this other time I was walking towards a friend’s house wearing my platform Havaianas when I lost my footing and lost a flip-flop in the process. I ended up having to buy a pair of fake Havaianas because they were the only ones being sold in the area. Don’t judge me, it was an emergency, and between fake and barefoot, I think you’d go for the former, too.

And it’s not just platforms, I tell ya. I have just as many broken flats and heels!  The sad thing is, my footwear casualties are usually the pricey ones and the rarely-used pairs. Maybe being flat-footed has something to do with it. Or maybe I just don’t take good care of my shoes. Or maybe I’m just not very lucky in footwear, among other things.

You see, I’m the girl who steps on chewed gum every now and then. (Heck, I accidentally sat on one back in 4^th grade.) I’m the girl who hails the wrong cab, takes the wrong route, and ends up being late for work by a minute. I’m the girl whose name never gets picked at raffle draws. I’m the girl who never wins a major prize during Christmas parties.

BUT, I’m also the girl who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. I’m the girl who cuts in line and beguiles some random stranger to buy a ticket for her at the MRT station or let her withdraw first at the ATM. I’m the girl who convinces the guards to let her in and the tellers to transact with her at the bank even if it’s past 3PM. I’m the girl who uses lambing or intimidation—depending on what the situation calls for—to have things her way.

What can I say? I’ve learned to compensate for my lack of luck in more ways than one, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

Still, I wonder… Is there a way to change one’s luck?

I sometimes think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t pray that often, or that I don’t sow enough good seeds. Does my spirituality (or lack thereof) affect my fortune? Maybe if I asked for more guidance from above, my luck would turn around. Or maybe if I became a better person, good karma would follow.

While this may sound like an indirect complaint to the universe, it’s actually the opposite. I am grateful that I did not get used to depending on fate to be kind to me. At least every time I catch a lucky break, I never take it for granted. I notice and I make the most of it.

I believe that while a little luck helps, everything still boils down to our actions and decisions. After all, luck runs out. And when it does, we’re left to count on talent, charm, determination, hardwork, resourcefulness, and street-smart… and ironically, if you’re lucky, you’d have at least one of those.=P

Three Years Ago…

The day that was September 12…

He told me he would give me a ride home.  I was really happy, really looking forward to it.  After all, we rarely get to spend alone time together.  And the few times that we do, we don’t really get to do much talking, if you know what I mean.

So there I was, waiting for ‘THE RIDE’ after The Ride (the show I was on)…

I couldn’t wait to get out of the building as soon as the show was over.  All I could think about was how this would be one of the special times that I would get a ride from him—yes, it had gotten to a point where being driven home by him would be considered a HUGE favor.

The minute I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t going to be what I’d hoped it would be.  “You should have done this, you should have done that… Why do you always move so slowly? Why do you never listen? BLAH BLAH BLAH…”

When you’re greeted with such animosity, how do you respond?  Me, I completely shutdown.  I become this robot who looks out the window, trying not to cry while dutifully uttering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when asked a question.

So that’s what I did.

This robotic transformation did not do anything to pacify him, of course.  He got even more pissed off.  We ended up spending the ride from Ortigas Center to Marcos Highway in complete silence.  Sometimes silence can be pleasant, even comforting.  But this wasn’t one those moments.  The air was so heavy I could barely breathe.  Every kilometer, my heart grew heavier and heavier.  The tears began flowing.  Quietly I sat there crying.  He drove on.  He didn’t even notice.

Maybe he did notice, but was too used to it to even care.  Or maybe he thought I was just being this drama queen.  Whatever.  I don’t want to second-guess him.

When we finally got to my place, he stopped just right in front of the outside gate where he always drops me off.  Does it make you wonder why he doesn’t drop me off in front of the house instead?  That makes two of us.

Instead of going inside, I walked on.  I just went straight not knowing where I was going.  How could I have entered the gate with the guards right there when I had tears streaming down my cheeks?

Of course he followed me.  Rolled down the window, and hollered, “Gusto mo pa talaga sinusundan ka ‘no??  Get in the car!”

His booming voice was enough to make me jump right back in the car.  He was furious at me for everything.  Perhaps he was most furious with the delay I was causing him.

He drove on, then stopped at a quiet corner.  He was still confrontational, booming voice and all, and that made me cry even harder.  The madder he got, the more upset I became.  The more upset I became, the harder I cried.  The harder I cried, the angrier he got.  It was like a vicious cycle.  After a while, his voice started to soften.  He apologized and said all the right things he could possibly say.

“I’m sorry.  I’m under a lot of stress, and you’re part of the reason why.  I didn’t realize how I made you feel, but now I know so I’ll try to work on it,” he said.

That used to work on me.  That used to soothe my tired and very badly bruised heart.  But at that time I felt nothing but this nagging ache that wouldn’t go away.

I have been hurt too many times.  I have heard the apologies so many times, and yet it happens again and again.  What happened that day wasn’t at all new to me.  In fact, it was like a rerun of an old episode in our almost six-year-relationship.

I so wanted it to work.  His apology, I mean.  But it almost meant nothing earlier.  It just seemed empty.

How much more of this can I take?  I never thought of myself as the martyr type, but I guess all the doormats in this world started off that way.

This relationship isn’t working; I know I need to end it at some point.  But why can’t I do it now???  I know that nobody else can do it for me—I’m the only one who can say that it’s over.  But I still love him.  I really do, more than anything.  In my mind I keep on wishing that things will change, that everything will work out in the end…  But every time something changes, it’s for the worse!

I do know what I need to do…  But I can’t fucking do it and I hate myself for it.

*****

That’s something I wrote back in 2007, exactly three years ago. It’s amazing how far I’ve come. I mean, I’m fine now. No more tears…

So I guess he did me a favor when he ended it.

BUT… It wasn’t that bad, really. We were happy for the most part, and I’d rather remember the good than the bad. So, after posting this I’m going to punish myself by looking at more happy pictures. Hahaha.=P

Susan SaRANDOM

It’s been a while since my last entry, and I’ve always wanted to make this blog more casual, more personal, and most importantly, more regularly updated. So, from now on, you can expect me to just be a lot more spontaneous with my entries. I’ll be writing a lot about random stuff, and if you’re interested or maybe bored enough to read on, go ahead… But don’t say I didn’t warn you.=P

So, here’s attempt # 1 at just typing in whatever comes to mind.

*****

It’s been a pretty good week so far. First, I was lucky enough to sit in for Francesca for the RX Concert Series last Monday just when one of my favorite local bands was slated to perform.

The Itchyworms did not disappoint because I really enjoyed watching them live. Not only that, they were also fun to interview. Unlike some bands who act all cool and stand-offish because they think they’re such rockstars, the guys from The Itchyworms were quite refreshing to talk to with their self-deprecating humor.

Now, I have a confession to make. I probably don’t come across as a huge OPM fan, nor do I seem like a staunch supporter of any local artist. But, I do appreciate good music, and when I hear something I like, I listen to it and play it as much as I can.

I realize that most OPM songs I enjoy now are those that sound close to foreign (think Jay-R, Young JV, Kyla or Amber), but the thing I like about The Itchyworms is that they sound truly Pinoy, and I appreciate their songs just as much. I discovered ‘Beer’ from countless cab rides and I remember savoring the melody of the song from start to finish. I totally get why it’s so popular. It’s borderline cheesy, but who am I kidding? We, Pinoys are so cheesy, we probably invented cheddar!=P ‘Beer’ was my guilty pleasure, along with that ‘Migraine’ song from Moonstar 88 for a while. Too bad we never had either of those songs on our playlist! Oh, well…

Anyway, the band didn’t play my Top 3 favorite songs of theirs (Beer, Love Team, and Akin Ka Na Lang), but they performed 6 other tracks, and to my surprise, I knew them all and found myself singing along to some. Geez, I may be a bigger fan than I think. Hahaha.=)

Speaking of OPM, how about that mandate to play more OPM songs on air? Honestly, I thought it was a drag at first since I wasn’t that familiar with the current local music scene, but guess what? I’ve had a change of heart! I’m happy they came up with that mandate because we I should be playing more OPM on the radio! Lately, I’ve been playing a lot of Tanya Markova, Eevee, Franco, Sandwich, Bamboo, etc., and I’m rediscovering my appreciation for homegrown talent. After all, I was a fan of Eraserheads, Rivermaya, even APO Hiking Society back in the day. Don’t expect to hear any Kelsey Adams on my show, though, unless she pays us another surprise visit. Let’s just say, um, she’s too advanced for my taste. Hehehe!=)

*****

While we’re on the subject, have you seen the movie Rockstar? The cast includes Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston. I chanced upon it on HBO a couple of days ago, and I liked it! I thought Mark Wahlberg looked funny with long hair at first, but the look grew on me, eventually.

It’s just a little weird because every time I see Mark Wahlberg, I think of this guy I used to date (ehem, Willie… Congrats on the baby!=P), who told me they kind of looked alike. I do see the similarities, even though Mark is white and he’s half-black. Hahaha.=)

You know who else resembles Mark Wahlberg? Xabi Alonso! Mark is like a rougher and tougher version of Xabi. I’ll take either, but I’d prefer both! Hehe! I can’t believe they’re both married, though. Sigh. Maybe in another lifetime I could be Elena, and they could be my Stefan and Damon. (Sorry, I’ve been watching The Vampire Diaries way too much!)

Back to the movie, it gives you a nice and seemingly accurate portrayal of what goes on in that world. I wouldn’t really know since that has never been my scene. My knowledge of rock and roll is mostly based on what I picked up from watching that Rockstar TV show religiously some years ago, and my radio partner Anna aka Danielle’s input. (Ooooh this reminds me, I’d like to download all the episodes of Rockstar’s 2 seasons, INXS & Supernova! I’d love to watch JD, Suzie, Marty, Jordis, Dilana, Toby, etc. all over again!)

Hey, I just thought of something that would make for an interesting Hot Topic on the show: ‘WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A ROCKSTAR?’

I mean, dating a rockstar is most certainly not for everyone. To say that it’s challenging would be putting it mildly, right? I wonder how many people will think they can handle it, and how many will say “I’ll pass.”

I think—I’ll pass—OUT if I don’t shut my laptop down now since I’m too sleepy already. This random blogging thing is pretty difficult to stop once you get started. I’ll do this again soon.=)

I’M OKAY =)

I’m smiling again.=)

People kept telling me that this day would eventually come, but I seriously had my doubts.

While I’m not quite ready yet to get involved with anyone else, I’m okay just working on my relationship with ME. Yes, I could get in a meaningless thing with some guy, but that’s not me. I thought about it, especially when I sort of found out that HE was seeing someone new. But you know what? I didn’t want to do something just to get even, because if so, I’d be doing it FOR HIM, still. Thank God for Gossip Girl, and that line from Blair Waldorf, “Someday I know I’d kiss somebody, and when I do it, it will be for me.”

I admit, it did sting that he moved on so quickly. But there’s nothing I can do about that. He chose to do that. And I choose to stay true to what my heart tells me.

We all cope in different ways. Funny, though, how it’s only now that I’m learning to cope the right way. I used to be the one to jump from one relationship to another, from one guy to the next. It worked for me then, but it didn’t prepare me for this.

So now, here I am, letting myself heal the right way… Teaching myself to forget someone I really, truly loved. Okay, forgetting him completely might be too ambitious, but at least forgetting the possibility of us ending up together.

For a long time I held on to the thought of us getting back together eventually. The thought that he would come to his senses, realize what a fool he was for letting me go, and do everything he can to win me back. The thought that he would never find anything that would measure up to what we had. Sure, those thoughts provided me some much needed comfort. BUT, they also prevented me from looking ahead and seeing that there might be something better out there for me.

I resisted change. I kept telling him, myself, and everyone who would listen that I WAS SURE HE WAS THE ONE. But what if he wasn’t? What if he was just meant to teach me a thing or two about love?

A part of me still hopes to see him rueful one day. But that day may never come, and if it doesn’t, I’m glad that I can say at this point that I think I’d be fine.

Moving on is as much a state of mind as it is a choice.  I’m embarrassed that it took me a harsh reality check (a phone conversation I’d like to pretend never happened) to finally decide that it was time to let go. It was time to salvage what dignity I had left.

Yeah, it’s difficult, but it’s not rocket science either. And truth be told, I can probably excel at rocket science if I wanted to. So there.=)

Get Over It

PERPLEXED. Nothing best describes how I feel about what happened between us better than that. I can barely remember what we talked about the last time. All I remember is you telling me how you weren’t happy anymore, and how you weren’t good for me, and how I needed to lose weight, and how it might be better for now to just be friends, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

FRIENDS. Yeah, right. It’s been months and you’ve made it pretty clear just how friendly you want us to be.

US. There’s no more us. And chances are, there won’t be an “us” in the near future. You don’t seem to be interested at all in working things out or reconnecting, or pretty much having to do anything with me at all. And honestly, I’m tired of trying.

TIRED. I’m so tired of trying to figure things out; trying to understand what to believe and what not to believe. I’m so tired of seeing you all the time and seeing a completely different person each time. In fact, just thinking of you completely tires me out that I just wind up pushing away thoughts of you.

THOUGHTS. Sometimes I get these thoughts… What if one day you realize you made a mistake when you decided to end it? What if one day you decide you want to get back together? Truth is, I’m not even sure I would want you to. I’m not even sure I would take you back.

TRUTH. The truth is, I still love you. I think I always will. But the truth is, maybe we’re both really better off without each other. The truth is, I hope I’ll stop caring and writing about you ‘cause this is getting really old.

OLD. Yeah, don’t get me started on that one. Hahahaha.

PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE

Today I left the house with such a heavy heart.

I didn’t know if it was the last time I’d ever see my almost 3-year old godson, Kian. His family is relocating to Davao and my heart is breaking as I type this.

You see, “KiKi”, as I fondly call him is more than just my godson. He grew up with us. He’s practically been living in our house since he was a baby. His mom would bring him to our house every single day and leave him almost all day with us while she goes to work. He would even sleep over every now and then.

He’s so close to everyone in family. My Mom and Dad love him as if he were their own grandson.

I did say before that having him around really filled in the void that was left by my niece and nephew, who left for the States about 3 years ago. But Kian wasn’t just a substitute nephew to me, nor was he just a substitute apo to my folks. Maybe it started that way at first, but eventually he found a special place in our hearts all his own.

We’re all so used to having him around; we’ve got everyday routines with him down pat, and now everything’s going to change.

The news of them leaving came as a shock, but not completely. His mom’s been very open about the possibility of them going away. Life here hasn’t really been easy for them, if you know what I mean. We help them out as much as we can financially, but I’m sure they want a better life for themselves.

It just seems unreal. And I can already imagine how sad my parents are going to be once he’s gone. Last night, my Mom and Dad already couldn’t sleep just thinking about how today would be our last day with Kian. Neither could I.

I wish I could stop them. I wish we could legally adopt him so he wouldn’t have to leave. But there’s nothing I can do. At the end of the day, he belongs to someone else.

I remembered how my ex warned me and told me to not get too close to Kian because one day, he said this would happen. I refused to listen, of course. I mean, who could resist that little boy’s charm? His beautiful smile, his pleading eyes, his faux hawk turned mohawk, and now his shaved head? Above all, who could resist his cute antics and his extra playful nature?

I will miss him so much.

I can’t imagine waking up tomorrow to a silent house, with no little boy bouncing up and down my bed to wake me up. No little boy who would stop jumping around when my Mom tells him not to wake me up and who would lean in to kiss me softly instead before he goes upstairs to play bowling with my parents and before he takes his daily morning/afternoon nap. No little boy who would drive me nuts with the ruckus he creates everywhere he goes. No little boy who would tell me to wake up because I’d be late for work. No little boy who would tell me he wants doughnuts and popcorn as his “lubong”. No little boy who would take my stuff so he could play with them. No little boy who would punch random digits on my cell phone and get all the coins in my coin purse. No little boy who would tell me he would hold my hand so I won’t be scared when I pretend to be afraid of something on TV… I could go on and on but nothing I say here can express how much we would all miss him.

What pains me even more is that he’s too young to understand what’s happening. He’s too young to understand that tomorrow, once he boards that plane with his parents, he won’t be able to go to our house anymore to play, or to make sumbong when his Mom scolds him. He won’t be seeing us in a long, long time. No more “Mommy” and “Daddy” and “Ninong” and “Ninang” (he also calls my brother “Ninong” even though he’s not really a godfather). He doesn’t get it. When we try to tell him, he innocently says “Sama ko kayo lahat!”

Ahhhhh. I’m in tears. I’m so sad.=(

All this time I’ve been putting up a brave front because I don’t really want my parents to see me bawl. But I don’t know how long I can keep it together in front of them when my heart is truly breaking.

You’d think I’d be used to this by now.  I had already been through this when Sam and Josh (my niece and nephew) left, and recently, when my ex and I broke up. But I guess nobody ever really gets used to saying goodbye, no matter how much practice you get.

A Wave of Sadness… Or Not

I thought I was done being sad.

It turns out, sadness hits when you least expect it.

There I was, waiting for a cab at the airport, fresh from an awesome vacation, when all of a sudden I remembered something. The memory brought tears to my eyes instantly, and I felt a huge wave of sadness.

It was almost weird now that I think about it; it felt like I was being transported to another place and time for a moment.

I remembered that place, just you and me… Your head on my lap, my hands on your head… I remembered rubbing your head, massaging your scalp until you fell asleep, and continuing to do so long after you dozed off.

The memory was so random and unexpected, I don’t even know what triggered it.

It made me realize something–Being sad is a choice, just like being happy is. I mean, it’s been a while since I last felt emotionally vulnerable, and it’s because I haven’t been thinking about the past in a sentimental way. I’ve been taking the hard approach to it–being angry and defiant at what happened. I guess it’s been working because honestly, I’ve been better than okay the past few weeks.

But earlier, I gave in. I let the blues take over, if only for a few seconds. And then I chose to stop the tears from falling, to stop being sad and to stop looking like a crazy, hot mess at the airport.;-)

I guess every emotion is a result of what the mind tells the heart to feel.

******

^^I can’t believe I just went all Paulo Coehlo on my blog. Hehehe. Let me talk about something else.

I wish I can tell you about my Bangkok trip with the RX airstaff, but I’m too lazy to do it now. I went straight to work from the airport, that’s why.

I’ll blog about it next time.

Here’s what I can tell you, though. While I was there, I realized I’m the WORST at taking pictures–mostly because I rarely take any. I just almost always never have the energy and enthusiasm to get my camera out of my bag, set it up, and do all the taxing things that go along with photography. All I have is a good ol’ digicam, so it’s supposed to be simple, right? Oh well. I guess it’s safe to say that photography just isn’t for me. I appreciate good photos, though. I admire those people who can capture beauty, in ways you’d never imagine.

But personally, I’d really much rather just pose and smile than take pictures. That’s just me.=P

******

Before I shut my computer down, here’s something that made me smile in the elevator on my way up to the station (a conversation between friends, 2 girls and 2 boys):

Girls: (teasing Boy 1 to Boy 2)- Uuuy, sige nga kiss mo sya.

Boy 1: Sige ba, gusto mo gawin ko pang ice cream mukha nya eh.

Gross, right? But it made me smile. Hahaha.

I’m tired and you can probably tell from my writing, so I’m gonna end this now. Peace out!=P

One Last Look at 2009

2010 is finally here! It’s officially the start of a new year, a new decade, a new chapter in our lives. I know it wasn’t just me who couldn’t wait to see the end of 2009, but with the rollercoaster of emotions that year brought about, I think it deserves one final look back.

So allow me to share with you all the year that was–the people who made it worthwhile, the things which made it both awesome and awful, and everyone and everything else in between. Here’s a totally random list to sum up my 2009.

1. TRAVEL!!!

I’ve never traveled as much as I did in 2009! It started with the company outing to Island Cove sometime in February.

It was followed by another RX outing with the production staff at Coco Beach in Puerto Galera that same month (I still remember how we spent that last night partying like there was no tomorrow… totally WILD).

When summer came, Bohol and I met for the first time. The island was nothing short of breathtaking.

It was also the first long beach trip I had with my BFFs, the Moaners (minus Dang, Dichi, and Nering). French boys Pierre (Marie’s BF) and Mat (Pierre’s friend) also joined us.

Shortly after Bohol, I was off to Sabang in Puerto Galera with Timbz, Poach, Dichi, Pierre, and Mat. This time around, I really got to explore the remote areas of the island.

November came, and off to Bangkok I was with my friends! It was a trip filled with more misadventures than anything, but we all got back home in one piece (singing Pilipinas Kong Mahal the whole time)!=P

Batangas was my beach haven in December… First, Punta Fuego for Kate’s wedding which I hosted…

And to cap off my year, Acuatico in Laiya with the lovebirds, Timbz and Pierre, from December 21-23. It was a beautiful place, perfect for the proposal that I helped Pierre plan.;-) Congratulations to the officially engaged Pierre and Timber!=)

2. A whole new level of PLAYTIME

Just when I thought I was going to be boarding alone at night forever, Raffy B. surprised me with a great idea for the show—The Search for a Playtime Playmate! I must admit, I was a little hesitant at first about having different playmates and eventually having a new partner on the show. I thought I was doing well on my own, but truth be told, I was getting a little bored not having anybody to talk to almost every night.=P

It was a little awkward—I was the host of the show, but at the same time, I was sort of judging them too. But seriously, I LOVED the playmates (some more than the others, of course.)=P

The contest ran for a little over 3 months, so I had a lot of girls join me, but the ones I remember most in no particular order are Joey (who used to be my Radio1 buddy, I love MOMO!), Jhie (who was such a funny, crazy, naughty, down-to-earth girl), Onick (who was so sweet and gracious, and remains that way up to now), Nikki (who gave me her Eye-Mo when I was having problems with my eye, also such a sweetheart), LA (who was also a Radio1 baby), and Marga (the one I thought I would have no problems getting along with right from the get-go).

Of course, who can forget about the finalists? Cerah, Pauline, Bernice, and Angela all proved that they had what it takes to be a Playtime Playmate.

But in the end, there could only be one winner… And little did I know that my bosses would actually let me pick THE ONE.

It took me about 10 minutes to make my decision, and I have absolutely no regrets!=)

Yay, CERAH! Con-GRRRAT-ulations for winning me over!=P

3. FRESH

I remember watching Fashionistas by Heart and US Girls one weekend, and thinking how cool it would be to actually host a lifestyle show… So I told Cerah about my idea of turning the Friday edition of Playtime into a weekly lifestyle show, and it turned out, she’s always wanted to do something like it, too! When we told Anna (aka Danielle), she was all for it as well. So after several meetings, we finally got the show on the road September 18.

We’re all so happy with how the show has been doing so far, and we can’t wait to do more this 2010!=)

To see what we’ve done so far on Playtime Fresh, you can click on this link.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/PLAYTIME-FRESH/135479923613?ref=mf

4. MOVING UP TO PRIME TIME

Just before October ended, we were told that there would be some major changes in our schedule. Playtime would be moving up to the evening prime time slot, which is the 7-10pm/8-11pm slot. Also, Anna would be joining Cerah and me on a regular basis, and Playtime would have an all-girl trio from November onwards.

After feeling our way around for a bit, I’m happy to say that the show is gaining its footing and we are sooo ready to rock your worlds this 2010!=)

But apart from being happy about the show, I’m even happier to have my two awesome partners, Anna (Danielle) and Cerah! Those two girls are equally fabulous, and I love them both to bits! It’s so great to be working with people you not only get along well with, but people you can actually call real friends… In fact, it’s like I gained two new sisters!=)

5. ONDOY

Need I say more? That name is enough to bring back a lot of painful memories for a lot of people, I know. Personally, it was quite a scare watching the water rise inside our home (going past the knees) for the first time. I know it was nothing compared to what others went through, but it caused a lot of damage just the same.

I’m just so thankful that nobody I love got harmed, and so inspired by how everybody came together to help out those in need.

6. The Valentine’s Day surprise

Thank you for the phone that I’m still using up to now.

7. THE BREAKUP

See previous entries for this one.

8. The BIGGEST scare of my life

I almost forgot how terrified I was early in 2009 when my Mom got a health scare. She got so stressed out by so many things, and her blood pressure ended up going sky-high (high enough to give other people a heart attack or a stroke) causing her to have temporary short-term memory loss, which lasted for 14 hours or so. My Dad and I had to bring her to the doctor, and it was probably the scariest moment of my life.

Thank God the meds and sleep worked wonders! I was holding my breath when she woke up early in the morning (I slept beside her that night), and you can’t imagine the relief I felt when she woke up being back to her old self.

I love my Mom so much–more than anyone in the world–and I don’t know where I’d be without her.

9. Amazing friends

I feel so blessed for having the most amazing set of friends in the world!

First, my BFFs, the Moaners! We’ve been friends for more than half of our lives, and every year, we share more experiences that bring us closer to each other. Whether it be our trips out-of-town or out of the country, or slumber parties in hotels or Timbz’ house, or just the usual coffee/movie/lunch/dinner dates, we always find a way to stay in each other’s lives. No matter where life takes us (Nering is still based in Australia, Jaymie is now based in Singapore, and soon Timbz will be in Paris), I know that we will be best friends until we’re old and gray.=)

Oh, and we gained a new Moaner (and a new swimming coach, too!) in 2009!=P

Special mention goes out to Larry who was my weekly dinner buddy, and Cam who was my weekly after boardwork buddy in 2009.=)

10. My RX Family

Being a part of KBP’s Best FM Station is great, but having the most amazing bosses and colleagues is even better! I seriously can’t begin to tell you how amazingly kind, generous, thoughtful, and just plain wonderful my bosses were in 2009, just like they’ve always been forever! I have nothing but genuine love and respect for those guys, and I know my colleagues feel the same way. I wish them all the best in 2010, for they deserve nothing less.=)

There ya go, that was my year in review. Well, sort of. Good and bad, those were just some of the main things that stood out for me.=)

I think it’s finally time to kick 2009 to the curb!

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s time to make new memories! Let’s make sure we make the most out of the clean slate 2010 brings! =)

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY…

It’s been a month. No kidding. It’s been a month since we ended, since HE ENDED US. I’m alive, aren’t I? I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve survived.

I wish I could say that I’m over the whole thing. Wouldn’t it be so easy if I could just let it go and move on with my life?

NEWSFLASH. There’s nothing EASY about breakups.

For the record, it was actually my first real breakup. Sorry to those who preceded HIM, but it’s the truth and you’d probably agree with me because chances are, I broke up with you via text or e-mail or over the phone (yes, I used to be a bitch that way). It was actually my first real relationship, too.

We were a couple of weeks shy of being together for 8 years. Surprise, surprise. (BTW, don’t feel bad if you didn’t know about this. I really wasn’t very open about my personal life even to some of my closest friends.)

I wouldn’t call it a perfect relationship, but I’d like to think we were happy for the most part.

I was totally, unabashedly, unapologetically, crazy in love. Head-over-heels, will-do-anything-in-the-name-of-love IN LOVE, the kind that you see in the movies.

And so was he.

I had my life all mapped out. I knew that wherever life would take me, he would be there. We were gonna be together forever. I WAS SO CERTAIN.

In fact, I remember always being so grateful for getting so lucky. With all the major flaws in our relationship, I gave them very little thought because I knew that we at least got something right. We loved each other.

Every time I’d sit and ponder about how I probably deserved something better, or someone who could and would treat me better, I’d go back to this: I love him and he loves me. How often can you find someone to love with all of your heart and how often can you find that someone who will love you just as much?

I seriously thought we had it.

Actually, we really did.

Too bad we screwed it up. Little by little, we destroyed what might have been the best thing that ever happened to us.

Right now I still feel very conflicted about everything. I don’t really know where to go from here. I ask myself everyday if it’s truly over, or if we’re just in one of our ‘off’ phases. Each day that passes by without hearing from him, though, convinces me more and more that it’s the former.

I don’t know when or IF it’s ever going to be any easier. There’s like a sadness deep within me that just won’t go away… The tears may come less often now, but it doesn’t mean my heart aches any less for him… Laughter may come easier to me now, but it doesn’t mean I’ve learned how to be happy without him.

Ang hirap lang talaga.

I feel so lost. I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to let go and wondering if I should still fight for it.

You know what? I have a newfound understanding for all the cynics of the world; all those jaded beings.

I’ve always been such an optimist, especially when it comes to love. But lately, I’ve been having such a hard time believing in it. I mean, what’s the point when nothing really lasts forever? Don’t tell me that it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I have loved and I have lost, and frankly, I would have appreciated never having to go through all that if the end result would only feel like this.

Yeah, sure, I could consider it a learning experience… But will all the golden lessons that may come out of it make me feel any better? Hell to the NO.

I guess I’m still really hurting. If you couldn’t tell by the tone of this blog, I would seriously smack you in the head!

Just kidding.=)

It’s a cycle. LONELY, HEARTBROKEN, NUMB, IN-DENIAL, CIVIL, ANGRY, FURIOUS, DEFIANT, AVENGEFUL, EXCITED, LONGING, ACHING, HOPING, DESPERATE, PATHETIC, SURVIVING, COPING, OKAY, TRYING TO MOVE ON—and then you go back to square one. (Forgive the lack of parallelism; I just typed the words as they came to mind.)

Most of all, WONDERING.

Wondering what the future holds for me and him.

Wondering when my heart would heal.

Wondering how to do it.

Wondering if I’d ever love anybody that way again.

Wondering if anybody would ever love me that way again.

Wondering if there’s a happy ending waiting for me somewhere.

Wondering if it’s really all for the best.

Wondering if I could change his mind.

Wondering if I could change MY mind.

Wondering if I could find the same comfort level that I had with him with someone else.

Wondering if I could find something better.

Wondering if he’s already found something better.

Wondering if we could ever really be friends; just friends and nothing more.

Wondering if there’s somebody out there who could mend my broken heart.

Wondering if I’d ever allow myself to be this vulnerable again.

Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months without him.

Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months ON MY OWN.

For the first time in years, I’m all alone. I have no fillers, no in-betweens, no back-ups. IT’S JUST ME. I’m not sure how this works, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

I hope love knocks on my door again soon… Maybe tomorrow.♥

SECRETS Part1

It’s been more than 2 weeks since my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for nearly 8 years. Last Saturday actually would have been our 8^th year together had we not broken up a couple of weeks before that… Had HE not broken up with me.

It’s weird how very few people in my life actually knew about this, but with our situation being what and how it was, there really wasn’t much we could do about it.

Okay, for the record, he wasn’t the only guy I was with for the last 8 years. I mean, I’ve dated other guys in between ‘lulls’ in the relationship, if you know what I mean.

We’ve broken up a number of times in the past, but never really stayed apart for long. We’d always end up getting back together.

I remember the first time he tried to break it off–we were just going out for a couple of months; he was involved with committed to someone else, and he wanted to step on the brakes before anybody got hurt. It was horrible. He just decided to cut off all communication lines without warning. Being the naïve teenager that I was then, I didn’t know what hit me. I kept calling, texting and e-mailing him, only to get ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not a squeak, man.

I was never one to give up right away, so I cornered him one day and just told him he couldn’t get rid of me that easily. I begged him while bawling my eyes out; I fought for our relationship while literally kicking and screaming. I fondly call it my ‘lupasay’ ala Lotie moment (as in Lotie the annoying little crybaby on Princess Sarah the cartoon).

He ended up giving in, and in a way, he ended up being in control of our relationship from that point forward. He laid the ground rules, so to speak; and I was happy to say yes to everything because at the time, all I knew was I wanted him no matter what. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Agh.

TO BE CONTINUED…

EMO TO GO

If you’re a Facebook friend or a Twitter follower of mine, then it must come as no surprise when I decided to turn our normal Hot Topic into an emo one every Wednesday. It was bound to happen, right? After all the emo updates on my status (you know, those cryptic one-liners and those occasional lines from a song), I’m pretty sure you saw this one coming.

If you don’t follow the recent developments in my life, though, I don’t blame you… Sino ba naman ako ‘di ba? *Now is this is the part where you tell me how much I actually matter to you, and how awesome I am, and how you love following my life as much as you do your favorite soap opera or something to that effect* LOL. Don’t you just hate false modesty?=)

So anyway, we started it last night… The Emo Hot Topic was, “Tell us about your painful realizations about life, love, etc. recently.” Quite a way to kick things off, don’t you think?=)

We got a whole lot of responses, and honestly, most of them really hit home. Like, seriously, OUCH. The kind of ouch that makes you want to wear all black and smear black eyeliner on your lids. Gross.

I didn’t get to share mine, and frankly I didn’t really want to for fear of having an on-air breakdown. But I decided to take the topic home with me, turn it into some sort of homework and write about it since it’s about time I post something new on my blog. Here in the privacy of my own room, I think it’s safe to enumerate some of my very own painful realizations, mostly about love. And here they are in no particular order:

1. You can find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and be happy with him for a long time, but you can lose him in the blink of an eye.
2. When you’re in a relationship, one always loves the other more. The intensity of your feelings for each other very rarely matches. It could start off with him being more in love with you thank you are with him, and then just like that, a role reversal can happen.
3. You can’t make the other person feel the way you want them to feel. You have no control over people’s emotions other than your own.
4. Karma will bite you in the ass when you least expect it… Or even when you do expect it. It doesn’t matter, IT’S JUST GONNA HAPPEN. So don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t start a relationship based on cheating and lying.
5. Not giving up on your relationship even if you were already unhappy DOES NOT guarantee that he won’t give up on you. No matter how much you want to make it work, if the other person refuses to still do it, then what else can you do?
6. The person that you trust the most can, and most likely will betray you one way or another. The person you give all of your heart to can just return it to you, BROKEN.
7. You may have a lot of other choices out there, but you can’t give them a chance if your heart doesn’t want to. It wants what it wants. And more often than not, it wants what it can not have.
8. You can be so happy and so in love one day, and be nothing but “friends” the next.
9. Forever is a load of crap. Nothing is forever. N-O-T-H-I-N-G, nothing!

Well, that’s it for now. Those were NOT AT ALL based on personal experience, by the way. Couldn’t you tell? =P