+ – CHANGES
Everyday I get reminded that the one thing constant in this world is CHANGE.
With the most recent reshuffling of personnel at work, I thought it was only fitting to talk about changes on the show.
HOT TOPIC (June 27) – Name a positive or a negative change (or both) that happened in your life recently.
If I had to choose just one positive change that happened to me recently, I would have to say it’s allowing myself to feel something again.
It’s been a while since I last felt anything for anyone. Since my ex and I broke up, I’ve been stuck in relationship (or lack thereof) limbo. I was always either pining for him, or just coasting through life pretending to be okay with being alone, or swearing off love altogether.
Some weeks ago, though, something happened to me that I didn’t quite expect. I met someone. Well, not really, but sort of. It’s too complicated to explain, but let’s just say I literally felt my heart beat again. I’m not sure if it was just good timing, or if it was really because we seemed to hit it off right away.
All I know is, he puts a smile on my face every time I talk to him and I always look forward to the next time I get to talk to him. It’s silly. It’s crazy. It’s something I never imagined would happen to me because it’s the kind of thing I used to make fun of other people for.
The thing is, it’s not really the most plausible idea considering the circumstances, but the hopeless romantic in me says “who cares?!”
I’m not saying I’m in love, but I feel something–maybe it’s infatuation, or maybe just an odd fixation. Maybe it’s not even him–perhaps it’s just the idea of having an object of affection that’s got me hooked.
Regardless of what happens to this whole thing, I think I know why our paths crossed. He was sent to me for a reason, and that’s to let me know that my heart isn’t dead after all. He symbolizes all the possibilities that I forgot even existed. And for that, I will always be grateful.
In all honesty, I don’t have high hopes for “us” at this point considering how disgustingly cheesy and corny I’ve been with him lately. I think I let my guard down too fast and it’s so hard to recover! I should have played it cool and kept the whole sexy, flirty thing going rather than showing him my dorky side! Ugh! I think I shot myself in the foot with this one! Oh well, what can I say? I’m too expressive for my own good sometimes! It’s so hard for me to contain myself when I get excited about something, or in this case, someone.
Anyway, he’s just really too cute for words. And too sweet. And funny, too. I’ve never met anyone like him. And trust me, I’ve met A LOT of guys. He’s just… a breath of fresh air.=)
What did I just say about being dorky and being unable to contain myself?! =P
As for the negative change, I would have to say it’s smoking more.
I don’t really consider myself a smoker (and I never have), but the past few weeks have been the closest I’ve come to being one.
Just to give you a little background, the first time I ever tried lighting up a cigarette, I was around 10 or 11 years old. I stole a stick from my Dad’s Phillip Morris, lit up, sucked and puffed once, and then threw it away. I got such a rush from doing something I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing! (It was kind of like that time I sneaked into the garage and started the car when I was about the same age.)
The next time I did it was in college, just because it seemed cool at the time. I remember buying packs of Capri outside school and smoking it with other ‘cool’ (pa-cool is more like it) kids. Hahaha.
Now, I guess I look at myself as a social smoker–someone who enjoys smoking every now and then in the company of others. I’m not really the type who goes crazy when I don’t have cigarettes. In fact, I can do without them for weeks, or even months, but then I find myself wanting a stick (or two… or three or four or a pack) in certain situations.
When I’m at parties or nights out with friends from work, I tend to want to smoke. Maybe it’s to compensate for my lack of drinking since I very rarely enjoy alcohol in my system, or maybe it’s just because almost everyone around me smokes.
When I’m on the beach, I also get the urge to smoke a lot. There’s something very enjoyable about it that I can’t explain.
It’s funny because I probably only learned to inhale while smoking last year. I used to be the hithit-buga type of smoker, you know, just suck and puff without inhaling.
I’m not even the type of person who has vices. Like I said, I don’t like drinking, and I’ve never even tried any illegal substance (nor do I want to) all my life. Well, fine, I did try the whole 420 thing twice. The first time I did it was about 3 years ago with my boyfriend at the time. Second time was with a couple of friends a few months later. And I never even got high both times.
The point is, I’m too much of a good girl (more like a BAD good girl) to be a real smoker. So I guess I should quit completely while I still can.