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Today I left the house with such a heavy heart.

I didn’t know if it was the last time I’d ever see my almost 3-year old godson, Kian. His family is relocating to Davao and my heart is breaking as I type this.

You see, “KiKi”, as I fondly call him is more than just my godson. He grew up with us. He’s practically been living in our house since he was a baby. His mom would bring him to our house every single day and leave him almost all day with us while she goes to work. He would even sleep over every now and then.

He’s so close to everyone in family. My Mom and Dad love him as if he were their own grandson.

I did say before that having him around really filled in the void that was left by my niece and nephew, who left for the States about 3 years ago. But Kian wasn’t just a substitute nephew to me, nor was he just a substitute apo to my folks. Maybe it started that way at first, but eventually he found a special place in our hearts all his own.

We’re all so used to having him around; we’ve got everyday routines with him down pat, and now everything’s going to change.

The news of them leaving came as a shock, but not completely. His mom’s been very open about the possibility of them going away. Life here hasn’t really been easy for them, if you know what I mean. We help them out as much as we can financially, but I’m sure they want a better life for themselves.

It just seems unreal. And I can already imagine how sad my parents are going to be once he’s gone. Last night, my Mom and Dad already couldn’t sleep just thinking about how today would be our last day with Kian. Neither could I.

I wish I could stop them. I wish we could legally adopt him so he wouldn’t have to leave. But there’s nothing I can do. At the end of the day, he belongs to someone else.

I remembered how my ex warned me and told me to not get too close to Kian because one day, he said this would happen. I refused to listen, of course. I mean, who could resist that little boy’s charm? His beautiful smile, his pleading eyes, his faux hawk turned mohawk, and now his shaved head? Above all, who could resist his cute antics and his extra playful nature?

I will miss him so much.

I can’t imagine waking up tomorrow to a silent house, with no little boy bouncing up and down my bed to wake me up. No little boy who would stop jumping around when my Mom tells him not to wake me up and who would lean in to kiss me softly instead before he goes upstairs to play bowling with my parents and before he takes his daily morning/afternoon nap. No little boy who would drive me nuts with the ruckus he creates everywhere he goes. No little boy who would tell me to wake up because I’d be late for work. No little boy who would tell me he wants doughnuts and popcorn as his “lubong”. No little boy who would take my stuff so he could play with them. No little boy who would punch random digits on my cell phone and get all the coins in my coin purse. No little boy who would tell me he would hold my hand so I won’t be scared when I pretend to be afraid of something on TV… I could go on and on but nothing I say here can express how much we would all miss him.

What pains me even more is that he’s too young to understand what’s happening. He’s too young to understand that tomorrow, once he boards that plane with his parents, he won’t be able to go to our house anymore to play, or to make sumbong when his Mom scolds him. He won’t be seeing us in a long, long time. No more “Mommy” and “Daddy” and “Ninong” and “Ninang” (he also calls my brother “Ninong” even though he’s not really a godfather). He doesn’t get it. When we try to tell him, he innocently says “Sama ko kayo lahat!”

Ahhhhh. I’m in tears. I’m so sad.=(

All this time I’ve been putting up a brave front because I don’t really want my parents to see me bawl. But I don’t know how long I can keep it together in front of them when my heart is truly breaking.

You’d think I’d be used to this by now.  I had already been through this when Sam and Josh (my niece and nephew) left, and recently, when my ex and I broke up. But I guess nobody ever really gets used to saying goodbye, no matter how much practice you get.



  1. lisening to you guys last night made me click your blog today, and it breaks my heart too as i read it,,

    huhu.. teary eyed..

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