Three Years Ago…
The day that was September 12…
He told me he would give me a ride home. I was really happy, really looking forward to it. After all, we rarely get to spend alone time together. And the few times that we do, we don’t really get to do much talking, if you know what I mean.
So there I was, waiting for ‘THE RIDE’ after The Ride (the show I was on)…
I couldn’t wait to get out of the building as soon as the show was over. All I could think about was how this would be one of the special times that I would get a ride from him—yes, it had gotten to a point where being driven home by him would be considered a HUGE favor.
The minute I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t going to be what I’d hoped it would be. “You should have done this, you should have done that… Why do you always move so slowly? Why do you never listen? BLAH BLAH BLAH…”
When you’re greeted with such animosity, how do you respond? Me, I completely shutdown. I become this robot who looks out the window, trying not to cry while dutifully uttering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when asked a question.
So that’s what I did.
This robotic transformation did not do anything to pacify him, of course. He got even more pissed off. We ended up spending the ride from Ortigas Center to Marcos Highway in complete silence. Sometimes silence can be pleasant, even comforting. But this wasn’t one those moments. The air was so heavy I could barely breathe. Every kilometer, my heart grew heavier and heavier. The tears began flowing. Quietly I sat there crying. He drove on. He didn’t even notice.
Maybe he did notice, but was too used to it to even care. Or maybe he thought I was just being this drama queen. Whatever. I don’t want to second-guess him.
When we finally got to my place, he stopped just right in front of the outside gate where he always drops me off. Does it make you wonder why he doesn’t drop me off in front of the house instead? That makes two of us.
Instead of going inside, I walked on. I just went straight not knowing where I was going. How could I have entered the gate with the guards right there when I had tears streaming down my cheeks?
Of course he followed me. Rolled down the window, and hollered, “Gusto mo pa talaga sinusundan ka ‘no?? Get in the car!”
His booming voice was enough to make me jump right back in the car. He was furious at me for everything. Perhaps he was most furious with the delay I was causing him.
He drove on, then stopped at a quiet corner. He was still confrontational, booming voice and all, and that made me cry even harder. The madder he got, the more upset I became. The more upset I became, the harder I cried. The harder I cried, the angrier he got. It was like a vicious cycle. After a while, his voice started to soften. He apologized and said all the right things he could possibly say.
“I’m sorry. I’m under a lot of stress, and you’re part of the reason why. I didn’t realize how I made you feel, but now I know so I’ll try to work on it,” he said.
That used to work on me. That used to soothe my tired and very badly bruised heart. But at that time I felt nothing but this nagging ache that wouldn’t go away.
I have been hurt too many times. I have heard the apologies so many times, and yet it happens again and again. What happened that day wasn’t at all new to me. In fact, it was like a rerun of an old episode in our almost six-year-relationship.
I so wanted it to work. His apology, I mean. But it almost meant nothing earlier. It just seemed empty.
How much more of this can I take? I never thought of myself as the martyr type, but I guess all the doormats in this world started off that way.
This relationship isn’t working; I know I need to end it at some point. But why can’t I do it now??? I know that nobody else can do it for me—I’m the only one who can say that it’s over. But I still love him. I really do, more than anything. In my mind I keep on wishing that things will change, that everything will work out in the end… But every time something changes, it’s for the worse!
I do know what I need to do… But I can’t fucking do it and I hate myself for it.
That’s something I wrote back in 2007, exactly three years ago. It’s amazing how far I’ve come. I mean, I’m fine now. No more tears…
So I guess he did me a favor when he ended it.
BUT… It wasn’t that bad, really. We were happy for the most part, and I’d rather remember the good than the bad. So, after posting this I’m going to punish myself by looking at more happy pictures. Hahaha.=P