A Wave of Sadness… Or Not

I thought I was done being sad.

It turns out, sadness hits when you least expect it.

There I was, waiting for a cab at the airport, fresh from an awesome vacation, when all of a sudden I remembered something. The memory brought tears to my eyes instantly, and I felt a huge wave of sadness.

It was almost weird now that I think about it; it felt like I was being transported to another place and time for a moment.

I remembered that place, just you and me… Your head on my lap, my hands on your head… I remembered rubbing your head, massaging your scalp until you fell asleep, and continuing to do so long after you dozed off.

The memory was so random and unexpected, I don’t even know what triggered it.

It made me realize something–Being sad is a choice, just like being happy is. I mean, it’s been a while since I last felt emotionally vulnerable, and it’s because I haven’t been thinking about the past in a sentimental way. I’ve been taking the hard approach to it–being angry and defiant at what happened. I guess it’s been working because honestly, I’ve been better than okay the past few weeks.

But earlier, I gave in. I let the blues take over, if only for a few seconds. And then I chose to stop the tears from falling, to stop being sad and to stop looking like a crazy, hot mess at the airport.;-)

I guess every emotion is a result of what the mind tells the heart to feel.

******

^^I can’t believe I just went all Paulo Coehlo on my blog. Hehehe. Let me talk about something else.

I wish I can tell you about my Bangkok trip with the RX airstaff, but I’m too lazy to do it now. I went straight to work from the airport, that’s why.

I’ll blog about it next time.

Here’s what I can tell you, though. While I was there, I realized I’m the WORST at taking pictures–mostly because I rarely take any. I just almost always never have the energy and enthusiasm to get my camera out of my bag, set it up, and do all the taxing things that go along with photography. All I have is a good ol’ digicam, so it’s supposed to be simple, right? Oh well. I guess it’s safe to say that photography just isn’t for me. I appreciate good photos, though. I admire those people who can capture beauty, in ways you’d never imagine.

But personally, I’d really much rather just pose and smile than take pictures. That’s just me.=P

******

Before I shut my computer down, here’s something that made me smile in the elevator on my way up to the station (a conversation between friends, 2 girls and 2 boys):

Girls: (teasing Boy 1 to Boy 2)- Uuuy, sige nga kiss mo sya.

Boy 1: Sige ba, gusto mo gawin ko pang ice cream mukha nya eh.

Gross, right? But it made me smile. Hahaha.

I’m tired and you can probably tell from my writing, so I’m gonna end this now. Peace out!=P

One Last Look at 2009

2010 is finally here! It’s officially the start of a new year, a new decade, a new chapter in our lives. I know it wasn’t just me who couldn’t wait to see the end of 2009, but with the rollercoaster of emotions that year brought about, I think it deserves one final look back.

So allow me to share with you all the year that was–the people who made it worthwhile, the things which made it both awesome and awful, and everyone and everything else in between. Here’s a totally random list to sum up my 2009.

1. TRAVEL!!!

I’ve never traveled as much as I did in 2009! It started with the company outing to Island Cove sometime in February.

It was followed by another RX outing with the production staff at Coco Beach in Puerto Galera that same month (I still remember how we spent that last night partying like there was no tomorrow… totally WILD).

When summer came, Bohol and I met for the first time. The island was nothing short of breathtaking.

It was also the first long beach trip I had with my BFFs, the Moaners (minus Dang, Dichi, and Nering). French boys Pierre (Marie’s BF) and Mat (Pierre’s friend) also joined us.

Shortly after Bohol, I was off to Sabang in Puerto Galera with Timbz, Poach, Dichi, Pierre, and Mat. This time around, I really got to explore the remote areas of the island.

November came, and off to Bangkok I was with my friends! It was a trip filled with more misadventures than anything, but we all got back home in one piece (singing Pilipinas Kong Mahal the whole time)!=P

Batangas was my beach haven in December… First, Punta Fuego for Kate’s wedding which I hosted…

And to cap off my year, Acuatico in Laiya with the lovebirds, Timbz and Pierre, from December 21-23. It was a beautiful place, perfect for the proposal that I helped Pierre plan.;-) Congratulations to the officially engaged Pierre and Timber!=)

2. A whole new level of PLAYTIME

Just when I thought I was going to be boarding alone at night forever, Raffy B. surprised me with a great idea for the show—The Search for a Playtime Playmate! I must admit, I was a little hesitant at first about having different playmates and eventually having a new partner on the show. I thought I was doing well on my own, but truth be told, I was getting a little bored not having anybody to talk to almost every night.=P

It was a little awkward—I was the host of the show, but at the same time, I was sort of judging them too. But seriously, I LOVED the playmates (some more than the others, of course.)=P

The contest ran for a little over 3 months, so I had a lot of girls join me, but the ones I remember most in no particular order are Joey (who used to be my Radio1 buddy, I love MOMO!), Jhie (who was such a funny, crazy, naughty, down-to-earth girl), Onick (who was so sweet and gracious, and remains that way up to now), Nikki (who gave me her Eye-Mo when I was having problems with my eye, also such a sweetheart), LA (who was also a Radio1 baby), and Marga (the one I thought I would have no problems getting along with right from the get-go).

Of course, who can forget about the finalists? Cerah, Pauline, Bernice, and Angela all proved that they had what it takes to be a Playtime Playmate.

But in the end, there could only be one winner… And little did I know that my bosses would actually let me pick THE ONE.

It took me about 10 minutes to make my decision, and I have absolutely no regrets!=)

Yay, CERAH! Con-GRRRAT-ulations for winning me over!=P

3. FRESH

I remember watching Fashionistas by Heart and US Girls one weekend, and thinking how cool it would be to actually host a lifestyle show… So I told Cerah about my idea of turning the Friday edition of Playtime into a weekly lifestyle show, and it turned out, she’s always wanted to do something like it, too! When we told Anna (aka Danielle), she was all for it as well. So after several meetings, we finally got the show on the road September 18.

We’re all so happy with how the show has been doing so far, and we can’t wait to do more this 2010!=)

To see what we’ve done so far on Playtime Fresh, you can click on this link.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/PLAYTIME-FRESH/135479923613?ref=mf

4. MOVING UP TO PRIME TIME

Just before October ended, we were told that there would be some major changes in our schedule. Playtime would be moving up to the evening prime time slot, which is the 7-10pm/8-11pm slot. Also, Anna would be joining Cerah and me on a regular basis, and Playtime would have an all-girl trio from November onwards.

After feeling our way around for a bit, I’m happy to say that the show is gaining its footing and we are sooo ready to rock your worlds this 2010!=)

But apart from being happy about the show, I’m even happier to have my two awesome partners, Anna (Danielle) and Cerah! Those two girls are equally fabulous, and I love them both to bits! It’s so great to be working with people you not only get along well with, but people you can actually call real friends… In fact, it’s like I gained two new sisters!=)

5. ONDOY

Need I say more? That name is enough to bring back a lot of painful memories for a lot of people, I know. Personally, it was quite a scare watching the water rise inside our home (going past the knees) for the first time. I know it was nothing compared to what others went through, but it caused a lot of damage just the same.

I’m just so thankful that nobody I love got harmed, and so inspired by how everybody came together to help out those in need.

6. The Valentine’s Day surprise

Thank you for the phone that I’m still using up to now.

7. THE BREAKUP

See previous entries for this one.

8. The BIGGEST scare of my life

I almost forgot how terrified I was early in 2009 when my Mom got a health scare. She got so stressed out by so many things, and her blood pressure ended up going sky-high (high enough to give other people a heart attack or a stroke) causing her to have temporary short-term memory loss, which lasted for 14 hours or so. My Dad and I had to bring her to the doctor, and it was probably the scariest moment of my life.

Thank God the meds and sleep worked wonders! I was holding my breath when she woke up early in the morning (I slept beside her that night), and you can’t imagine the relief I felt when she woke up being back to her old self.

I love my Mom so much–more than anyone in the world–and I don’t know where I’d be without her.

9. Amazing friends

I feel so blessed for having the most amazing set of friends in the world!

First, my BFFs, the Moaners! We’ve been friends for more than half of our lives, and every year, we share more experiences that bring us closer to each other. Whether it be our trips out-of-town or out of the country, or slumber parties in hotels or Timbz’ house, or just the usual coffee/movie/lunch/dinner dates, we always find a way to stay in each other’s lives. No matter where life takes us (Nering is still based in Australia, Jaymie is now based in Singapore, and soon Timbz will be in Paris), I know that we will be best friends until we’re old and gray.=)

Oh, and we gained a new Moaner (and a new swimming coach, too!) in 2009!=P

Special mention goes out to Larry who was my weekly dinner buddy, and Cam who was my weekly after boardwork buddy in 2009.=)

10. My RX Family

Being a part of KBP’s Best FM Station is great, but having the most amazing bosses and colleagues is even better! I seriously can’t begin to tell you how amazingly kind, generous, thoughtful, and just plain wonderful my bosses were in 2009, just like they’ve always been forever! I have nothing but genuine love and respect for those guys, and I know my colleagues feel the same way. I wish them all the best in 2010, for they deserve nothing less.=)

There ya go, that was my year in review. Well, sort of. Good and bad, those were just some of the main things that stood out for me.=)

I think it’s finally time to kick 2009 to the curb!

Happy New Year, everyone! It’s time to make new memories! Let’s make sure we make the most out of the clean slate 2010 brings! =)

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY…

It’s been a month. No kidding. It’s been a month since we ended, since HE ENDED US. I’m alive, aren’t I? I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve survived.

I wish I could say that I’m over the whole thing. Wouldn’t it be so easy if I could just let it go and move on with my life?

NEWSFLASH. There’s nothing EASY about breakups.

For the record, it was actually my first real breakup. Sorry to those who preceded HIM, but it’s the truth and you’d probably agree with me because chances are, I broke up with you via text or e-mail or over the phone (yes, I used to be a bitch that way). It was actually my first real relationship, too.

We were a couple of weeks shy of being together for 8 years. Surprise, surprise. (BTW, don’t feel bad if you didn’t know about this. I really wasn’t very open about my personal life even to some of my closest friends.)

I wouldn’t call it a perfect relationship, but I’d like to think we were happy for the most part.

I was totally, unabashedly, unapologetically, crazy in love. Head-over-heels, will-do-anything-in-the-name-of-love IN LOVE, the kind that you see in the movies.

And so was he.

I had my life all mapped out. I knew that wherever life would take me, he would be there. We were gonna be together forever. I WAS SO CERTAIN.

In fact, I remember always being so grateful for getting so lucky. With all the major flaws in our relationship, I gave them very little thought because I knew that we at least got something right. We loved each other.

Every time I’d sit and ponder about how I probably deserved something better, or someone who could and would treat me better, I’d go back to this: I love him and he loves me. How often can you find someone to love with all of your heart and how often can you find that someone who will love you just as much?

I seriously thought we had it.

Actually, we really did.

Too bad we screwed it up. Little by little, we destroyed what might have been the best thing that ever happened to us.

Right now I still feel very conflicted about everything. I don’t really know where to go from here. I ask myself everyday if it’s truly over, or if we’re just in one of our ‘off’ phases. Each day that passes by without hearing from him, though, convinces me more and more that it’s the former.

I don’t know when or IF it’s ever going to be any easier. There’s like a sadness deep within me that just won’t go away… The tears may come less often now, but it doesn’t mean my heart aches any less for him… Laughter may come easier to me now, but it doesn’t mean I’ve learned how to be happy without him.

Ang hirap lang talaga.

I feel so lost. I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to let go and wondering if I should still fight for it.

You know what? I have a newfound understanding for all the cynics of the world; all those jaded beings.

I’ve always been such an optimist, especially when it comes to love. But lately, I’ve been having such a hard time believing in it. I mean, what’s the point when nothing really lasts forever? Don’t tell me that it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I have loved and I have lost, and frankly, I would have appreciated never having to go through all that if the end result would only feel like this.

Yeah, sure, I could consider it a learning experience… But will all the golden lessons that may come out of it make me feel any better? Hell to the NO.

I guess I’m still really hurting. If you couldn’t tell by the tone of this blog, I would seriously smack you in the head!

Just kidding.=)

It’s a cycle. LONELY, HEARTBROKEN, NUMB, IN-DENIAL, CIVIL, ANGRY, FURIOUS, DEFIANT, AVENGEFUL, EXCITED, LONGING, ACHING, HOPING, DESPERATE, PATHETIC, SURVIVING, COPING, OKAY, TRYING TO MOVE ON—and then you go back to square one. (Forgive the lack of parallelism; I just typed the words as they came to mind.)

Most of all, WONDERING.

Wondering what the future holds for me and him.

Wondering when my heart would heal.

Wondering how to do it.

Wondering if I’d ever love anybody that way again.

Wondering if anybody would ever love me that way again.

Wondering if there’s a happy ending waiting for me somewhere.

Wondering if it’s really all for the best.

Wondering if I could change his mind.

Wondering if I could change MY mind.

Wondering if I could find the same comfort level that I had with him with someone else.

Wondering if I could find something better.

Wondering if he’s already found something better.

Wondering if we could ever really be friends; just friends and nothing more.

Wondering if there’s somebody out there who could mend my broken heart.

Wondering if I’d ever allow myself to be this vulnerable again.

Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months without him.

Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months ON MY OWN.

For the first time in years, I’m all alone. I have no fillers, no in-betweens, no back-ups. IT’S JUST ME. I’m not sure how this works, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

I hope love knocks on my door again soon… Maybe tomorrow.♥

SECRETS Part1

It’s been more than 2 weeks since my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for nearly 8 years. Last Saturday actually would have been our 8^th year together had we not broken up a couple of weeks before that… Had HE not broken up with me.

It’s weird how very few people in my life actually knew about this, but with our situation being what and how it was, there really wasn’t much we could do about it.

Okay, for the record, he wasn’t the only guy I was with for the last 8 years. I mean, I’ve dated other guys in between ‘lulls’ in the relationship, if you know what I mean.

We’ve broken up a number of times in the past, but never really stayed apart for long. We’d always end up getting back together.

I remember the first time he tried to break it off–we were just going out for a couple of months; he was involved with committed to someone else, and he wanted to step on the brakes before anybody got hurt. It was horrible. He just decided to cut off all communication lines without warning. Being the naïve teenager that I was then, I didn’t know what hit me. I kept calling, texting and e-mailing him, only to get ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not a squeak, man.

I was never one to give up right away, so I cornered him one day and just told him he couldn’t get rid of me that easily. I begged him while bawling my eyes out; I fought for our relationship while literally kicking and screaming. I fondly call it my ‘lupasay’ ala Lotie moment (as in Lotie the annoying little crybaby on Princess Sarah the cartoon).

He ended up giving in, and in a way, he ended up being in control of our relationship from that point forward. He laid the ground rules, so to speak; and I was happy to say yes to everything because at the time, all I knew was I wanted him no matter what. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Agh.

TO BE CONTINUED…

EMO TO GO

If you’re a Facebook friend or a Twitter follower of mine, then it must come as no surprise when I decided to turn our normal Hot Topic into an emo one every Wednesday. It was bound to happen, right? After all the emo updates on my status (you know, those cryptic one-liners and those occasional lines from a song), I’m pretty sure you saw this one coming.

If you don’t follow the recent developments in my life, though, I don’t blame you… Sino ba naman ako ‘di ba? *Now is this is the part where you tell me how much I actually matter to you, and how awesome I am, and how you love following my life as much as you do your favorite soap opera or something to that effect* LOL. Don’t you just hate false modesty?=)

So anyway, we started it last night… The Emo Hot Topic was, “Tell us about your painful realizations about life, love, etc. recently.” Quite a way to kick things off, don’t you think?=)

We got a whole lot of responses, and honestly, most of them really hit home. Like, seriously, OUCH. The kind of ouch that makes you want to wear all black and smear black eyeliner on your lids. Gross.

I didn’t get to share mine, and frankly I didn’t really want to for fear of having an on-air breakdown. But I decided to take the topic home with me, turn it into some sort of homework and write about it since it’s about time I post something new on my blog. Here in the privacy of my own room, I think it’s safe to enumerate some of my very own painful realizations, mostly about love. And here they are in no particular order:

1. You can find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and be happy with him for a long time, but you can lose him in the blink of an eye.
2. When you’re in a relationship, one always loves the other more. The intensity of your feelings for each other very rarely matches. It could start off with him being more in love with you thank you are with him, and then just like that, a role reversal can happen.
3. You can’t make the other person feel the way you want them to feel. You have no control over people’s emotions other than your own.
4. Karma will bite you in the ass when you least expect it… Or even when you do expect it. It doesn’t matter, IT’S JUST GONNA HAPPEN. So don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t start a relationship based on cheating and lying.
5. Not giving up on your relationship even if you were already unhappy DOES NOT guarantee that he won’t give up on you. No matter how much you want to make it work, if the other person refuses to still do it, then what else can you do?
6. The person that you trust the most can, and most likely will betray you one way or another. The person you give all of your heart to can just return it to you, BROKEN.
7. You may have a lot of other choices out there, but you can’t give them a chance if your heart doesn’t want to. It wants what it wants. And more often than not, it wants what it can not have.
8. You can be so happy and so in love one day, and be nothing but “friends” the next.
9. Forever is a load of crap. Nothing is forever. N-O-T-H-I-N-G, nothing!

Well, that’s it for now. Those were NOT AT ALL based on personal experience, by the way. Couldn’t you tell? =P

Kuwentong Kutsero (er, mambubukid)

I remember telling some people from work an incomplete story about why cows and carabaos look the way they do.  I really couldn’t remember the whole story, and nobody seemed to know about it either.

Out of curiosity, I decided to google it, and voila! http://alamat.kababayan.net/kuwento-ng-kalabaw/ popped up.

Since I know most people have probably never read or heard of this story, here it goes.=)

Kuwento Ng Kalabaw

Ang susunod na kwento ay nagpapaliwanag kung bakit masikip ang balat ng kalabaw at maluwang naman ang sa baka.

Si Mang Catalino ay matagumpay na mambubukid. Katunayan, umunlad ang kanyang kabuhayan dahil sa pagbubungkal ng lupa at paghahalaman. Kung siya’y may matatawag na kahinaan sa buhay, ito’y ang masyadong kasipagan. Siya’y trabaho nang trabaho. Ngunit ang araw ng Linggo ay kanyang ipinangingilin. Siya’y hindi nakalilimot magsimba.

Maagang-maaga noon. Kinalagan ni Mang Catalino si Kalakian sapagkat ito’y nakatali sa ilalim ng kamatsili. Gusto niyang pumunta sa gutaran upang mag-araro.

Si Kalakian ay nagsalita, “Mang Catalino, yamang ang araw na ito ay aming kaarawan, Araw ng mga Hayop, maanong kami’y inyong pahintulutang magsaya.”

“Anong ibig mong sabihin?”

“Ang araw na ito’y ituring ninyong pagngilin. Huwag ninyo kaming papagtrabahuhin.”

“Sinong kami?” tanong ni Mang Catalino.

“Kami po ni Baka.”

“Anong gusto ninyong gawin?” pag-uulit sa unang tanong.

“Kami po ni Baka ay gusting magliwaliw sa ilog. Gusto naming lumangoy at maglaro.”

“Oo. Pahihintulutan ko kayo ngunit pagdating ng ikasampu, kayo’y uuwi. May pupuntahan tayo. Hindi ko na kayo dapat pang sunduin.”

Masayang-masay ang dalawa. Si Baka ay umunga nang malakas at mahaba. Sila’y nagpunta sa ilog. Ito’y hindi naman kalayuan.

Nang naliligo na ang dalawa si Baka ay nagtanong, “Kaibigan, ikaw ba’y kuntento na sa iyong buhay?”

“Oo, at ikaw?” sagot-tanong ng kalabaw.

“Ako’y maligaya. Mabait ang ating amo. Kahit maghapong nag-aararo, sagana naman tayo sa pagkain. Nawawala agad ang pagod ko kung ako’y makapaglublob sa putik. Bakit naitanong mo iyan?”

“Di nga’t palagay ko ay ganito na lamang tayo habambuhay, walang pag-asenso.”

“Bakit naman?”

Si Baka ay hindi sumagot.

Sa kalalangoy at kalalaro ng dalawa, hindi nila nahalata na tanghali na pala. Mag-iikalabindalawa na, katanghaliang pipitik.

Narito na si Mang Catalino at sila’y kinakaon. Malayo pa ay nakita na nilang may dalang pamalo. Hindi naman sila binubulyawan. Sila’y dali-daling umahon. Sila’y dumako sa may balanggutan at doon nagbihis. Naroon ang kanilang damit.

Sa pagmamadali at takot sa panginoon, ang dinampot na damit ni Kalakian ay ang kay Baka at ang nakuha naman ni Baka ang kay Kalakian. Sila’y nagkapalit. Dali-dali nilang isinuot ang saplot upang huwag silang abutan.

Takbuhan ang dalawa pauwi. Hirap na hirap si Kalakian sa pagtakbo sapagkat ang suot na damit ay sikip na sikip. Ang suot naman ni Baka ay napakaluwang at nakasampay lamang.

Mula noon ang kalabaw ay iimpang-impang kung lumakad at si Baka nama’y mabilis humagpay at kumilos. Iyan ang dahilan kung bakit masikip ang balat ng Kalabaw at Maluwang naman ang sa Baka.

********************

What do you know, the story’s actually legit…

And I thought my teacher was just BS-ing me and my classmates. Hahaha!

The Search for a Playtime Playmate

The search is on for my next playmate on the show!

We’re looking for someone hot, someone who knows how to have fun, and someone who’s naughty and playful like me!  We want someone with a personality that can blend well with all the other RX girls and boys, as well as with the listeners.  Basically, we’re looking for someone who can be a good RX JOCK!

If you’re a GIRL, 18-24 years old, and you think you’ve got what it takes to be my next radio partner/playmate, go give it a shot!

Just drop by the station with your resume, and we’ll take care of the rest.  Auditions are still ongoing, so head on over to the 17th floor of Strata 2000, along F. Ortigas Jr. Road (formerly Emerald Ave.), in Ortigas Center, Pasig.

Good luck and I hope to meet you soon!;)

Love and kisses,
Hazel

Me In Men’s Magazines?!? (Weight Gained, Opportunities Lost)

Two days ago, I got a text message from a friend that shook me to the core.

“Hi Hazel. Blah blah blah… Yada yada yada… Do you want to pose for Maxim?”

I had to double check the words to make sure that my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.  They weren’t.  There they were, taunting me… Mocking me.

Some years ago, I would have been really flattered to receive such an invitation.  Heck, I would’ve been eager to do it.  SOME YEARS AGO.

Now, all it does is remind me of time wasted and opportunities lost.

THEN-hanging out with friends

THEN-me winning Trip to Jerusalem

NOW-before going to the Back to the '80s Party, 01/30/09

NOW-with other jocks during an RX party, 01/30/09

I can’t blame my friend, though.  She hasn’t seen me in three or four years.  Maybe five… I don’t know, I’m losing track.  She seemed so excited about it, and she actually wanted to recommend me for next month’s issue already.

Yeah, right.

They say sexiness is only a state of mind.  If that were the case, then I would probably be #1 on all those freakin’ sexy women’s lists.  But one’s state of mind must go hand in hand with one’s goods.  Sad to say, I no longer have the goods.  Er, actually I take that back.  I think I have too much for my own good.

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling to get my old physique back for as long as I can remember.  I’ve tried, but I guess I’ve never really tried hard enough.  I would lose some weight, and then gain them back and gain some more.  I don’t talk about it much, though, because why focus on the negative?

The thing is, I feel generally good about myself.  I know I could really lose some of the weight I’ve put on over the last few years, but I feel good nonetheless.  And maybe I shouldn’t.

I need to do something about it NOW, while I still can.  I need to haul my ass to the gym NOW, while I still can.  I need to stop stuffing my face with all the junkfood NOW, while I still can.

I’ve been procrastinating for way too long, and I can’t just watch myself sink further and further down.  I can’t let me become nothing but a mere shadow of my old self.

I can’t tell you how many jobs I’ve lost due to my weight problems, but I can tell you this much—they’re enough to make me want to puke all the pizza I had for dinner earlier.

Well, I’ve had it!  I’m going to be serious about it this time, and once I reach my goal, you bet your ass I would call that friend of mine and demand no less than a spread—or maybe the freakin’ cover!  Make sure to get a copy of the January 2011 issue.  Hahaha.

*THEN photos – I couldn’t find the old, really skinny pictures of mine in my laptop so you’re going to have to settle with the beginning-to-gain-weight-phase pictures.  Hahaha.

*NOW photos – Those are the most recent ones, thanks for the pics, Fritz.=)

25 Random Shiznit About Me

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. My mom wanted to name me Hazel Anne because I was born in the St. Anne’s wing of the hospital, but for some reason, I ended up as Hazel May.  I still prefer Hazel Anne, but I guess my name isn’t so bad.  It’s just that…  I wasn’t even born in May.=s

2. Speaking of names, I was known all throughout Kindergarten as May, not Hazel.  I was never called Hazel in school.  But when I was announced as the class valedictorian, my teacher did not refer to me as May, nor as Hazel…  She called me ‘Ms. Supladita’.  Hahaha.

3. I’ve always had bangs.  Always.  And I don’t think I’d be getting rid of them anytime soon.  Oh, and I just recently decided never to let anyone BUT me or my stylist Kenneth cut my bangs ever again.

4. I have really small hands.  I have short, stubby fingers.  Baby hands, they’re often called.

5. My celebrity crushes are: Triple H, Allen Iverson, Chris Noth, James Spader, P. Diddy, Gordon Ramsay, and Kevin Costner…  And yes, my friends think I have a very ‘different’ taste when it comes to men.  I concur.

6. I think I was bi up until high school.  No kidding.  I used to crush on some of my female teachers (started in 2nd or 3rd grade), and crush on some of my male classmates and neighbors at the same time.  When my male crush and my female crush became bf and gf, I decided she was a bitch and I wanted him more.  So I figured, I was probably more into men.  And now, I’m pretty sure I’m ONLY into men.

7. When I was in 4th grade, I had ‘boy slaves’ who would carry my bags for me every single day.  They would fight over who gets to carry my stuff every time.  I was delighted because my bag was heavy and our classroom was on the 3rd floor, but I was also confused because I used to wear glasses and had unplucked eyebrows.  Not exactly beauty queen material, eh?  But I was class president, so maybe they were impressed or something?  Hahaha.

8. I’ve only recently realized that I’m a control-freak.  Not being in control drives me nuts most of the time, unless I specifically asked someone to take control.  Hehe.

9. Not being in control in the bedroom drives me nuts all the time, in a good way.  I have submissive tendencies.  Okay, I am totally submissive.  Hehehe.;)

10. I was a bully in high school.  At least that’s what they all say.  Catty-bully, though.  Not gangsta-bully.  Think Mean Girls, not Boyz in the Hood.  Hahaha.

11. I wish I got half of my mom’s or my late grandpa’s people skills.  My mom could talk to just about anybody.  Her dad, my grandpa, was the mayor of Bataan for a long time.  Sometimes I think I’m a little…  icy.

12. I wear contact lenses everyday.  My grade is now 300-325, and my glasses are still 175 and 150.

13. I like cold beverages about 99% of the time.  I can’t drink water if it’s not cold.  I once went on an overnight camping trip and did not drink until we found a grocery store with a fridge on our way back to Manila.  Oh, and I don’t drink coffee.  Frapps are good, though.

14. I nearly drowned in waist-deep water.  Wearing a life jacket.  Thank God my boss saved me.  Not right away, ’cause he thought I was joking, but he did just the same.  Hahaha.

15. In Kindergarten, I drowned in a 4-feet pool.  I saved myself by grabbing someone’s shirt and hanging on to it until I managed to pull myself up.  I guess that explains my fear of drowning, and why I never learned how to swim…  I can make sisid, though.  I only learned how to a couple of years ago.

16. I am a bookworm.  I’m already having problems with storage because I have waaay too many books.  But I can’t part with any of them.  I can’t stop buying new ones, either.

17. I am a shopaholic.  And a total clotheshorse.  But you probably knew that about me already.  Hehe.

18. I’m annoyingly vain.  I look at car mirrors and windows and the like.  Whatever shiny surface.  And then I smile.  See?  ANNOYINGLY vain.

19. I had a dog named Hogan (yes, named after Hulk Hogan) when I was a kid.  And as much as I loved him, I was scared of him.  A couple of years ago, I had a dog named Puppy (and I looooved him dearly), and bunnies named Choco and Candy (I miss them soooo much).

20. I thought it was the end of the world when my first laptop crashed.

21. I love computer games but I prefer the ’simple’ ones.  Think Wedding Dash, Cake Mania, etc.

22. I don’t like period movies, or movies with people in costumes and ish.  Which is why I’ve never seen any of the LOTR movies.

23. Speaking of movies, I love watching porn.  And I don’t see anything wrong with it.  Hehe.

24. I am perpetually late for everything.  It’s not like I don’t try to be on time.  It’s like a disease or a curse or something!  I am ALWAYS working on it, though.  Sigh.

25. I just realized that I like talking about myself, and I think 25 isn’t a good enough number.  They should have made this 100 Random Things About Yourself.  Hahaha.

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I was tagged by several people on Facebook to do this, so I figured, what the heck?  Hahaha.

Sir Mallari

On my work to work yesterday, I saw my Math teacher in high school, AKA the crush of my life a million years ago.  I was waiting for the stoplight to turn green, on the backseat of my cab, looking out the window when he passed by.

He looked pretty much the same to me.  Except that receding hairline of his seemed to have receded some more over the last few years.  Hehehe.  And I guess he’s gained a little bit of weight too…  But then again, haven’t we all?=D

My initial reaction was to look away, and hope that he doesn’t see me.  I mean it would have been totally wrong had we just waved at each other—me in my cab, and him walking down the street—for our reunion of sorts.

Anyway, I’m not sure he would have recognized me had he spotted me.  I look a lot different now, I think.  Plus I was wearing my red Mickey Mouse cap because I didn’t really have time to fix my hair.

He didn’t see me, but he did get me thinking the whole time I was stuck in Friday night traffic how incredibly weird it is to have someone play such a huge role in your life, and then just like that, be nothing to you.

This was the guy in my thoughts majority of my high school life (think first to third year)…  The guy I really, really wanted to be with.  The guy whose girlfriend I nearly poisoned with a special dust-ants-saliva sugar cookie I made just for her (wicked, I know, but that was me back in high school…  a conniving little bitch).=D   I mean, he was really the first guy I was ever head over heels for!  Don’t get me wrong, I did have boys my age back then, but ultimately, he was THE one I wanted.  Unfortunately (or maybe FORTUNATELY) for me, he got married my senior year, so I had no choice but to move on (and those men who helped me move on would be discussed in the future).  I was heartbroken—devastated, even.  But obviously, I got over it.

The thing is, we were really close.  And I know that he did care about me.  Maybe not in the way that I had wanted him to, but he cared just the same.  He knew about my ginormous crush on him, and I suppose he handled it pretty well.  He never seemed uncomfortable about it, and I felt that he treated me a little more favorably than others at times.  He never took advantage, but he also provided enough flirtation to get my happy juices flowing.  That sounds so wrong, doesn’t it?=)

It all seems like a lifetime ago, but it really hasn’t been that long.  I did see him a number of times after graduation, but I guess after a while I just totally forgot about him.  I hate to take a line from the classic song ‘I Remember The Boy’ but it’s just perfect to describe how I feel…  I remember the boy, but I don’t remember the feeling anymore.

It’s true, isn’t it?  Once you get over someone, regardless of how much you loved him or her, it’s very rare to get the old feelings back.  Try as you may, it just seems almost impossible.  This especially holds true if you were MADLY in love with him or her, I think.  That kind of intensity just doesn’t strike twice. I should know, I saw another ‘ex’ recently and it felt the same way.

Maybe it’s just me.  Maybe I’m just the kind of person who loves with all her heart, the kind who doesn’t hold back—but once I get over you, it stays that way.  It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t flirt with you a little, but that may be as far as it goes.

So here’s a piece of advice, pal babe, (you know who you are), ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.