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ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY…

It’s been a month. No kidding. It’s been a month since we ended, since HE ENDED US. I’m alive, aren’t I? I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve survived.

I wish I could say that I’m over the whole thing. Wouldn’t it be so easy if I could just let it go and move on with my life?

NEWSFLASH. There’s nothing EASY about breakups.

For the record, it was actually my first real breakup. Sorry to those who preceded HIM, but it’s the truth and you’d probably agree with me because chances are, I broke up with you via text or e-mail or over the phone (yes, I used to be a bitch that way). It was actually my first real relationship, too.

We were a couple of weeks shy of being together for 8 years. Surprise, surprise. (BTW, don’t feel bad if you didn’t know about this. I really wasn’t very open about my personal life even to some of my closest friends.)

I wouldn’t call it a perfect relationship, but I’d like to think we were happy for the most part.

I was totally, unabashedly, unapologetically, crazy in love. Head-over-heels, will-do-anything-in-the-name-of-love IN LOVE, the kind that you see in the movies.

And so was he.

I had my life all mapped out. I knew that wherever life would take me, he would be there. We were gonna be together forever. I WAS SO CERTAIN.

In fact, I remember always being so grateful for getting so lucky. With all the major flaws in our relationship, I gave them very little thought because I knew that we at least got something right. We loved each other.

Every time I’d sit and ponder about how I probably deserved something better, or someone who could and would treat me better, I’d go back to this: I love him and he loves me. How often can you find someone to love with all of your heart and how often can you find that someone who will love you just as much?

I seriously thought we had it.

Actually, we really did.

Too bad we screwed it up. Little by little, we destroyed what might have been the best thing that ever happened to us.

Right now I still feel very conflicted about everything. I don’t really know where to go from here. I ask myself everyday if it’s truly over, or if we’re just in one of our ‘off’ phases. Each day that passes by without hearing from him, though, convinces me more and more that it’s the former.

I don’t know when or IF it’s ever going to be any easier. There’s like a sadness deep within me that just won’t go away… The tears may come less often now, but it doesn’t mean my heart aches any less for him… Laughter may come easier to me now, but it doesn’t mean I’ve learned how to be happy without him.

Ang hirap lang talaga.

I feel so lost. I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to let go and wondering if I should still fight for it.

You know what? I have a newfound understanding for all the cynics of the world; all those jaded beings.

I’ve always been such an optimist, especially when it comes to love. But lately, I’ve been having such a hard time believing in it. I mean, what’s the point when nothing really lasts forever? Don’t tell me that it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I have loved and I have lost, and frankly, I would have appreciated never having to go through all that if the end result would only feel like this.

Yeah, sure, I could consider it a learning experience… But will all the golden lessons that may come out of it make me feel any better? Hell to the NO.

I guess I’m still really hurting. If you couldn’t tell by the tone of this blog, I would seriously smack you in the head!

Just kidding.=)

It’s a cycle. LONELY, HEARTBROKEN, NUMB, IN-DENIAL, CIVIL, ANGRY, FURIOUS, DEFIANT, AVENGEFUL, EXCITED, LONGING, ACHING, HOPING, DESPERATE, PATHETIC, SURVIVING, COPING, OKAY, TRYING TO MOVE ON—and then you go back to square one. (Forgive the lack of parallelism; I just typed the words as they came to mind.)

Most of all, WONDERING.

Wondering what the future holds for me and him.

Wondering when my heart would heal.

Wondering how to do it.

Wondering if I’d ever love anybody that way again.

Wondering if anybody would ever love me that way again.

Wondering if there’s a happy ending waiting for me somewhere.

Wondering if it’s really all for the best.

Wondering if I could change his mind.

Wondering if I could change MY mind.

Wondering if I could find the same comfort level that I had with him with someone else.

Wondering if I could find something better.

Wondering if he’s already found something better.

Wondering if we could ever really be friends; just friends and nothing more.

Wondering if there’s somebody out there who could mend my broken heart.

Wondering if I’d ever allow myself to be this vulnerable again.

Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months without him.

Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months ON MY OWN.

For the first time in years, I’m all alone. I have no fillers, no in-betweens, no back-ups. IT’S JUST ME. I’m not sure how this works, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

I hope love knocks on my door again soon… Maybe tomorrow.♥

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2 Responses to “ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY…”

  1. hi hazel! it’s wackyYE aka Yeye. 🙂 i just remembered my old self when i read your entry. having gone through a break up too this year (things went downhill from April but officially ended in August), i felt the need to share my two cents worth.

    as much as you know you love him, set him free. i know it’s easier said than done but i believe it’s the only way to go. i was with my ex for four years (which is nothing compared to yours, but still) and i felt the same things. he left me. he ended it and i didn’t see a life without him. i was so lost and so crushed that i didn’t know what to do with myself. i forgot who i was without him in the picture. he was my first real break-up too and damn, it hurt like hell. couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, i cried everyday like a crazy person and i lost focus. i was a mess.

    but there came a point when i realized i had to move on. i had to let him be. no more hoping. no more waiting. no more thinking he’ll come back. no more him at all, period. after all the years i spent with him, i realized it was now time to spend some quality time with ME. i was so focused on the relationship, on the future i thought was going to be fulfilled that i forgot to take care of myself. so i started exercising, lost weight, wore nicer clothing, went out and bonded with friends more, started to look better and FEEL BETTER about myself – that i wasn’t such a loser despite the experience. and now i can say, after 8 full months, i’m back on track.

    i’m sure everything is on a per-person basis. what worked for me may not work for you. but one thing i am absolutely certain of, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. corny, i know, but it’s the truth. i felt that i was doomed at the time, that i will never be able to love the same way again. but this is the reality, we love the person we love differently. we love friends differently, love for parents and siblings vary too. and so i kept in mind that when i meet that person again, the one meant for me, i will love him the best way i know how – not necessarily similar/the same as how i loved a previous guy. and i just thought to myself, if it’s meant to be, it will come to me. otherwise, why waste time? life is short, and the only way to spend it is with those people who truly love and appreciate you.

    i don’t know if this helped. but i hope it did. sorry for the long response. i just really felt your pain. but like everything else in this world, it will fade. and you will rise from the ashes better, wiser, stronger and more empowered than you ever thought possible. 😀

  2. hi hazel, heard you over the radio anouncing your blog spot and thus immediately searched and read what you have written.

    You know what, I have been in several break-ups for the last 10 years, I have always been optimistic about love, too, but with the abusive relationship i had in 2005 to 2007, it surely made me become more grounded on love..

    Just like any other girl inlove, I would normally give my 100% sometimes more than what i get. I learned the hard way that the length of your togetherness or the unconditional and love you provide does not necessarily guarantee “forever”.

    Just like you I wondered whether I would love the same way again; I wondered how to move on when i know that he was the man i wanted to be with;and, i wondered if i would ever find the happy endings i have always been looking for..

    I got my answers as I pushed myself so hard to get up and fight again..

    I know that I would never ever love that way again because I have learned to love myself more. I learned how to put myself first before someone else..

    Apparently, I was able to move on and regain my old self. The rest of my life is much much clearer without him in the picture.

    Happy endings does not necessarily mean spending the rest your life with a man. You could have your happy ever-after as an individual independent of a romantic relationship.. Am not really being cynical =) just being logical and realistic..

    Let’s love ourselves more and am certain that everything will follow..

    Goodluck to you, hazel.. Keep on fighting and standing up.. =)


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