ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY…
It’s been a month. No kidding. It’s been a month since we ended, since HE ENDED US. I’m alive, aren’t I? I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve survived.
I wish I could say that I’m over the whole thing. Wouldn’t it be so easy if I could just let it go and move on with my life?
NEWSFLASH. There’s nothing EASY about breakups.
For the record, it was actually my first real breakup. Sorry to those who preceded HIM, but it’s the truth and you’d probably agree with me because chances are, I broke up with you via text or e-mail or over the phone (yes, I used to be a bitch that way). It was actually my first real relationship, too.
We were a couple of weeks shy of being together for 8 years. Surprise, surprise. (BTW, don’t feel bad if you didn’t know about this. I really wasn’t very open about my personal life even to some of my closest friends.)
I wouldn’t call it a perfect relationship, but I’d like to think we were happy for the most part.
I was totally, unabashedly, unapologetically, crazy in love. Head-over-heels, will-do-anything-in-the-name-of-love IN LOVE, the kind that you see in the movies.
And so was he.
I had my life all mapped out. I knew that wherever life would take me, he would be there. We were gonna be together forever. I WAS SO CERTAIN.
In fact, I remember always being so grateful for getting so lucky. With all the major flaws in our relationship, I gave them very little thought because I knew that we at least got something right. We loved each other.
Every time I’d sit and ponder about how I probably deserved something better, or someone who could and would treat me better, I’d go back to this: I love him and he loves me. How often can you find someone to love with all of your heart and how often can you find that someone who will love you just as much?
I seriously thought we had it.
Actually, we really did.
Too bad we screwed it up. Little by little, we destroyed what might have been the best thing that ever happened to us.
Right now I still feel very conflicted about everything. I don’t really know where to go from here. I ask myself everyday if it’s truly over, or if we’re just in one of our ‘off’ phases. Each day that passes by without hearing from him, though, convinces me more and more that it’s the former.
I don’t know when or IF it’s ever going to be any easier. There’s like a sadness deep within me that just won’t go away… The tears may come less often now, but it doesn’t mean my heart aches any less for him… Laughter may come easier to me now, but it doesn’t mean I’ve learned how to be happy without him.
Ang hirap lang talaga.
I feel so lost. I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to let go and wondering if I should still fight for it.
You know what? I have a newfound understanding for all the cynics of the world; all those jaded beings.
I’ve always been such an optimist, especially when it comes to love. But lately, I’ve been having such a hard time believing in it. I mean, what’s the point when nothing really lasts forever? Don’t tell me that it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I have loved and I have lost, and frankly, I would have appreciated never having to go through all that if the end result would only feel like this.
Yeah, sure, I could consider it a learning experience… But will all the golden lessons that may come out of it make me feel any better? Hell to the NO.
I guess I’m still really hurting. If you couldn’t tell by the tone of this blog, I would seriously smack you in the head!
It’s a cycle. LONELY, HEARTBROKEN, NUMB, IN-DENIAL, CIVIL, ANGRY, FURIOUS, DEFIANT, AVENGEFUL, EXCITED, LONGING, ACHING, HOPING, DESPERATE, PATHETIC, SURVIVING, COPING, OKAY, TRYING TO MOVE ON—and then you go back to square one. (Forgive the lack of parallelism; I just typed the words as they came to mind.)
Most of all, WONDERING.
Wondering what the future holds for me and him.
Wondering when my heart would heal.
Wondering how to do it.
Wondering if I’d ever love anybody that way again.
Wondering if anybody would ever love me that way again.
Wondering if there’s a happy ending waiting for me somewhere.
Wondering if it’s really all for the best.
Wondering if I could change his mind.
Wondering if I could change MY mind.
Wondering if I could find the same comfort level that I had with him with someone else.
Wondering if I could find something better.
Wondering if he’s already found something better.
Wondering if we could ever really be friends; just friends and nothing more.
Wondering if there’s somebody out there who could mend my broken heart.
Wondering if I’d ever allow myself to be this vulnerable again.
Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months without him.
Wondering how I could survive more days, weeks, months ON MY OWN.
For the first time in years, I’m all alone. I have no fillers, no in-betweens, no back-ups. IT’S JUST ME. I’m not sure how this works, but I’m taking it one day at a time.
I hope love knocks on my door again soon… Maybe tomorrow.♥