I will love you forever.

Last Saturday, I was talking to my radio partner Cerah about a movie I downloaded recently called ‘The Devil’s Rejects’. While I haven’t completely watched it, I kind of already scanned it via my laptop’s VLC player, so I knew that it involved some nudity and a lot of blood–the perfect 1-2 punch for a movie to gain a cult following of sorts.

Enter my movie-buff boss Paeng, who upon getting reminded that I have a thing for movies with plenty of blood and nudity (more towards the latter, though!;P) suggested (albeit hesitantly) that I watch the remake of ‘I Spit On Your Grave’, a rape and revenge horror film according to Wikipedia.

I’ve never even heard of the original, but according to Paeng, it’s a cult movie from the 70’s that became quite controversial because of its extreme violence and its exploitative scenes.

MY SUMMARY:

The movie basically revolves around the main character, Jennifer Hills. She rents a cabin in the woods by herself to work on her book. On her way to the cabin, she gets lost and stops at a gas station for gas and directions. There, she encounters Johnny, Andy and Stanley for the first time. Johnny, the leader of the group, tries to make small talk, lays it on too thick, and ends up getting laughed at by Jennifer for delivering a pretty lame line–something like, “You know you’re running pretty hot, want me to check under your hood for you?” In an attempt to leave the gas station hurriedly, Jennifer somehow ends up spilling gas on Johnny. She pisses him off for embarrassing him in front of his minions.

Jennifer eventually finds the cabin, gets settled, and starts writing. A plumbing problem arises, and she calls for help. As soon as she hangs up, she accidentally drops her cell phone in the toilet, turning it into a useless gadget from that point forward. Help comes in the form of Matthew, a mentally-challenged guy who happens to be a part of Johnny’s crew. After Matthew finished fixing the problem, Jennifer gives him a peck on the cheek out of sheer relief. He ends up telling Johnny and the guys about it and somehow, the conversation takes a wicked turn, and they end up plotting an attack on the helpless city girl.

On a night when Jennifer decides to have a little drink and smoke a joint while writing–just a couple of days since she first arrived at the cabin—Johnny, Stanley, Andy, and a seemingly unwilling Matthew, breaks in to put their evil plan to action.

They scare her, humiliate her (they made her simulate fellatio on a gun and a bottle, for crying out loud!), and showed her absolutely no mercy whatsoever. Jennifer manages to escape, and makes a run for it in the woods where she fortunately (or not!) runs into the town’s sheriff and his friend.

Jennifer’s relief doesn’t last long, though, as Sheriff Storch turns out to be cohorts of the guys who assaulted her. Her ordeal begins anew and takes on new heights, as the men have their way with her one after another. Not only do they rape her, they continue to humiliate and torture her, as well—with everything being recorded on Stanley’s video camera.

Before the guys could kill her, Jennifer manages to jump off a bridge, into the water, and disappears. The men assume that she was already dead, and they decide to burn all the possible evidence that could be used against them (the tape that contains the video, her clothes and other possessions in the cabin, her car) while waiting to find her dead body.

Jennifer’s corpse never turns up, because guess what? SHE’S ALIVE!

One at a time, she takes out the guys in the most brutal, gruesome, bloodiest way imaginable. She starts off with Matthew, moves on to Andy and Stanley, and then Johnny. She saves the grand finale for the sheriff. I won’t go into detail anymore as to what she did to each one, but let’s just say I’ve never seen anyone pull off revenge the way Jennifer did!

MY MUMBLINGS:

Now that the plot is out of the way, here are some of my random observations and thoughts while watching the movie (and also AFTER the movie):

1. Stanley looks familiar… GASP! It’s because he’s DAMIEN from Mean Girls! I couldn’t really take him seriously as one of the rapists anymore as soon as I realized that! Hahaha!

2. Jennifer reminds me of Trista Stutter, a former The Bachelorette contestant. She also reminds me a little of Megan Fox and Nina Dobrev (must be the hair!).

3. Johnny is TOTALLY hot! In fact, his line that Jennifer found lame would have probably worked on me! I mean, seriously, he’s like a tougher, rougher, less pretty version of Josh Duhamel!

4. I only cringed once throughout the whole movie—when Jennifer pulled out Johnny’s teeth one by one. The rest didn’t bother me as much, I guess. Hahaha. I think there’s something wrong with me.=P

5. As ridiculous and impossible as the revenge scenarios were, they were just pretty entertaining to watch—in a sick, sick way.

6. My tolerance for blood and gore (and perversion, too) in movies is pretty high.

7. This movie isn’t for the faint-hearted, so I’m not sure I would recommend it… But then again, you can always hit the STOP button when you can’t take it anymore, so if you’re 18 and up, I say GO check it out.=P

Whatever happens, I think that you owe it to yourself to stand up for what you believe in–as long as you stay within the boundaries of reason, of course.

However, you should always remember that standing up for what you believe in doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful or close-minded, nor does it allow you to shove your conviction down other people’s throats. Always leave room for compromise. And as hard as it seems, always be prepared for the worst possible consequence.

You might not get your desired outcome, but at the very least, you might earn respect for having the balls to deal with the situation head on.

Sometimes, the most important thing is getting it off your chest rather than losing sleep over it.

Life is too short to spend so much time worrying about things that you have no control over, such as other people’s feelings. Worry about your own, because at the end of the day, if you don’t look out for #1, then who will?

I’m glad I spoke up.

With the most recent reshuffling of personnel at work, I thought it was only fitting to talk about changes on the show.

HOT TOPIC (June 27) – Name a positive or a negative change (or both) that happened in your life recently.

++++++

If I had to choose just one positive change that happened to me recently, I would have to say it’s allowing myself to feel something again.

It’s been a while since I last felt anything for anyone. Since my ex and I broke up, I’ve been stuck in relationship (or lack thereof) limbo. I was always either pining for him, or just coasting through life pretending to be okay with being alone, or swearing off love altogether.

Some weeks ago, though, something happened to me that I didn’t quite expect. I met someone. Well, not really, but sort of. It’s too complicated to explain, but let’s just say I literally felt my heart beat again. I’m not sure if it was just good timing, or if it was really because we seemed to hit it off right away.

All I know is, he puts a smile on my face every time I talk to him and I always look forward to the next time I get to talk to him. It’s silly. It’s crazy. It’s something I never imagined would happen to me because it’s the kind of thing I used to make fun of other people for.

The thing is, it’s not really the most plausible idea considering the circumstances, but the hopeless romantic in me says “who cares?!”

I’m not saying I’m in love, but I feel something–maybe it’s infatuation, or maybe just an odd fixation. Maybe it’s not even him–perhaps it’s just the idea of having an object of affection that’s got me hooked.

Regardless of what happens to this whole thing, I think I know why our paths crossed. He was sent to me for a reason, and that’s to let me know that my heart isn’t dead after all. He symbolizes all the possibilities that I forgot even existed. And for that, I will always be grateful.

In all honesty, I don’t have high hopes for “us” at this point considering how disgustingly cheesy and corny I’ve been with him lately. I think I let my guard down too fast and it’s so hard to recover! I should have played it cool and kept the whole sexy, flirty thing going rather than showing him my dorky side! Ugh! I think I shot myself in the foot with this one! Oh well, what can I say? I’m too expressive for my own good sometimes! It’s so hard for me to contain myself when I get excited about something, or in this case, someone.

Anyway, he’s just really too cute for words. And too sweet. And funny, too. I’ve never met anyone like him. And trust me, I’ve met A LOT of guys. He’s just… a breath of fresh air.=)

What did I just say about being dorky and being unable to contain myself?! =P

——

As for the negative change, I would have to say it’s smoking more.

I don’t really consider myself a smoker (and I never have), but the past few weeks have been the closest I’ve come to being one.

Just to give you a little background, the first time I ever tried lighting up a cigarette, I was around 10 or 11 years old. I stole a stick from my Dad’s Phillip Morris, lit up, sucked and puffed once, and then threw it away. I got such a rush from doing something I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing! (It was kind of like that time I sneaked into the garage and started the car when I was about the same age.)

The next time I did it was in college, just because it seemed cool at the time. I remember buying packs of Capri outside school and smoking it with other ‘cool’ (pa-cool is more like it) kids. Hahaha.

Now, I guess I look at myself as a social smoker–someone who enjoys smoking every now and then in the company of others. I’m not really the type who goes crazy when I don’t have cigarettes. In fact, I can do without them for weeks, or even months, but then I find myself wanting a stick (or two… or three or four or a pack) in certain situations.

When I’m at parties or nights out with friends from work, I tend to want to smoke. Maybe it’s to compensate for my lack of drinking since I very rarely enjoy alcohol in my system, or maybe it’s just because almost everyone around me smokes.

When I’m on the beach, I also get the urge to smoke a lot. There’s something very enjoyable about it that I can’t explain.

It’s funny because I probably only learned to inhale while smoking last year. I used to be the hithit-buga type of smoker, you know, just suck and puff without inhaling.

I’m not even the type of person who has vices. Like I said, I don’t like drinking, and I’ve never even tried any illegal substance (nor do I want to) all my life. Well, fine, I did try the whole 420 thing twice. The first time I did it was about 3 years ago with my boyfriend at the time. Second time was with a couple of friends a few months later. And I never even got high both times.

The point is, I’m too much of a good girl (more like a BAD good girl) to be a real smoker. So I guess I should quit completely while I still can.

MAGIC 8-BALL (M8B): OUTLOOK POSITIVE.

ME: Does he like me?

M8B: ABSOLUTELY!

ME: Am I in trouble at work?

M8B: MOST LIKELY.

ME: Is *new guy* the one for me?

M8B: CAN NOT PREDICT NOW.

ME: Will *old guy* and I ever get back together?

M8B: VERY DOUBTFUL.

ME: Is it a bad idea to call *new guy*?

M8B: MY SOURCES SAY NO.

I therefore conclude that this Magic 8-Ball online thingy is the BOMB! Hahaha!=)

I AM HOPEFUL.

I was listening to the remix of Unthinkable by Alicia Keys and Drake when it hit me.

One day, I will fall in love again. It won’t be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen, eventually. And when I do, I plan to fall madly, passionately, unabashedly, head-over-heels in love—AGAIN.

I’m saying again because I already felt that way once. I’m positive that I already had a great love in this lifetime—but just because I did doesn’t mean I can’t have another one.

I’ve been so resistant to even just the thought of finding new love and I think I’ve finally figured out why. While I didn’t want to settle for someone that would make me feel less than I did for him, I was more scared that I might actually find someone who would make me feel MORE. I was convinced that my past relationship was more epic than everyone else’s—or at least right up there with the greats. (Think Romeo and Juliet, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Carrie and Big, etc.) I still am. I guess only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong… But now I know that it doesn’t even matter.

I don’t know what it’s going to be like next time I fall in love. It might be just as great, or it might just turn out to be beyond-my-wildest-dreams-GREATER. But whatever it may be, it’s not going to rewrite history and change how much I felt for great love # 1.

That’s not necessarily bad for great love # 2 or 3 or so on…

I didn’t say all those things because I’m not over him, but because I have finally accepted that it’s over between us. FINALLY.

I admit, I’m not totally over him—but I’m getting there. I say that not in a pathetic, self-soothing manner, but in an honest to goodness HOPEFUL way. I think a nudge in the right direction might be all I need at this point.

I know there might still be a handful of wrong men the universe will throw in my direction before I get to be with THE ONE, but I look forward to them all. I’m just so excited to feel something for someone else again.

I can’t fucking wait.=)

*****

UNTHINKABLE (Alicia Keys ft. Drake)

Moment of honesty
Someone’s gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I’m gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now
(You should say it right now)

You ready?

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
(I deserve it, I think it deserve it..Let it go)
It’s becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
And I can’t take it
(I can’t take it)

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)

I know you once said to me
“This is exactly how it should feel when it’s meant to be”
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we gon’ do something ’bout it
We should do it right now
(We should do it right now)

Bay, uh

You give me a feeling that I never felt before

And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
(I deserve it, I know I deserve it. Let it go)
Its becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
It’s what we make it
(It’s what we make it)

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready)

Yeah, sing…

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can’t say I came prepared
I’m suspended in the air
Won’t you come be in the sky with me

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)
If you ask me I’m ready
(I’m ready, I’m ready)

but i’m not in the position

to call anyone’s attention

and cause more friction

between us

there’s a new star in this movie

i’ve been replaced, clearly

the look you used to give me

now belongs to this not-so-pretty

white trash

it’s none of my business

i’ve got no reason to stress

and i know you couldn’t care less

what i think would be best

for you

with us it’s always tit-for-tat

but i don’t want another spat

i guess it’s just that

you should have told me off the bat

we’re through

I’d hate to call myself unlucky, but the truth is I’ve learned to rely more on skills than luck based on past experiences. Don’t get me wrong—I am grateful that I was blessed with certain abilities that help me get by, but it would be nice to have lady luck smile at me more often.

Take for instance what happened to me after work last night. There I was, ready to head home after grabbing a quick bite at the canteen downstairs, when all of a sudden, the entire sole of my left boot decided to peel itself off of the shoe. I don’t know how it happened since I didn’t really trip or anything beforehand, and it didn’t really show any signs of wear and tear, it just… happened. This is the kind of thing that just happens to me for some unexplainable reason.

I remember back in college, when I bought these adorable platforms. They weren’t exactly cheap, so I was pretty confident that they wouldn’t break easily. But alas, one day, a few steps away from the Chess Plaza on my way to the SPS Building, I tripped and found one foot platform-less. The strap just gave and I ended up buying all sorts of adhesive at the SPS bookstore trying to reattach the strap temporarily but failing miserably. I ended up cutting a class because I had to call home and wait for someone to bring me a different pair of shoes that went with my outfit.

There was this other time I was walking towards a friend’s house wearing my platform Havaianas when I lost my footing and lost a flip-flop in the process. I ended up having to buy a pair of fake Havaianas because they were the only ones being sold in the area. Don’t judge me, it was an emergency, and between fake and barefoot, I think you’d go for the former, too.

And it’s not just platforms, I tell ya. I have just as many broken flats and heels!  The sad thing is, my footwear casualties are usually the pricey ones and the rarely-used pairs. Maybe being flat-footed has something to do with it. Or maybe I just don’t take good care of my shoes. Or maybe I’m just not very lucky in footwear, among other things.

You see, I’m the girl who steps on chewed gum every now and then. (Heck, I accidentally sat on one back in 4^th grade.) I’m the girl who hails the wrong cab, takes the wrong route, and ends up being late for work by a minute. I’m the girl whose name never gets picked at raffle draws. I’m the girl who never wins a major prize during Christmas parties.

BUT, I’m also the girl who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. I’m the girl who cuts in line and beguiles some random stranger to buy a ticket for her at the MRT station or let her withdraw first at the ATM. I’m the girl who convinces the guards to let her in and the tellers to transact with her at the bank even if it’s past 3PM. I’m the girl who uses lambing or intimidation—depending on what the situation calls for—to have things her way.

What can I say? I’ve learned to compensate for my lack of luck in more ways than one, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

Still, I wonder… Is there a way to change one’s luck?

I sometimes think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t pray that often, or that I don’t sow enough good seeds. Does my spirituality (or lack thereof) affect my fortune? Maybe if I asked for more guidance from above, my luck would turn around. Or maybe if I became a better person, good karma would follow.

While this may sound like an indirect complaint to the universe, it’s actually the opposite. I am grateful that I did not get used to depending on fate to be kind to me. At least every time I catch a lucky break, I never take it for granted. I notice and I make the most of it.

I believe that while a little luck helps, everything still boils down to our actions and decisions. After all, luck runs out. And when it does, we’re left to count on talent, charm, determination, hardwork, resourcefulness, and street-smart… and ironically, if you’re lucky, you’d have at least one of those.=P

He told me he would give me a ride home.  I was really happy, really looking forward to it.  After all, we rarely get to spend alone time together.  And the few times that we do, we don’t really get to do much talking, if you know what I mean.

So there I was, waiting for ‘THE RIDE’ after The Ride (the show I was on)…

I couldn’t wait to get out of the building as soon as the show was over.  All I could think about was how this would be one of the special times that I would get a ride from him—yes, it had gotten to a point where being driven home by him would be considered a HUGE favor.

The minute I got in the car, I knew it wasn’t going to be what I’d hoped it would be.  “You should have done this, you should have done that… Why do you always move so slowly? Why do you never listen? BLAH BLAH BLAH…”

When you’re greeted with such animosity, how do you respond?  Me, I completely shutdown.  I become this robot who looks out the window, trying not to cry while dutifully uttering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when asked a question.

So that’s what I did.

This robotic transformation did not do anything to pacify him, of course.  He got even more pissed off.  We ended up spending the ride from Ortigas Center to Marcos Highway in complete silence.  Sometimes silence can be pleasant, even comforting.  But this wasn’t one those moments.  The air was so heavy I could barely breathe.  Every kilometer, my heart grew heavier and heavier.  The tears began flowing.  Quietly I sat there crying.  He drove on.  He didn’t even notice.

Maybe he did notice, but was too used to it to even care.  Or maybe he thought I was just being this drama queen.  Whatever.  I don’t want to second-guess him.

When we finally got to my place, he stopped just right in front of the outside gate where he always drops me off.  Does it make you wonder why he doesn’t drop me off in front of the house instead?  That makes two of us.

Instead of going inside, I walked on.  I just went straight not knowing where I was going.  How could I have entered the gate with the guards right there when I had tears streaming down my cheeks?

Of course he followed me.  Rolled down the window, and hollered, “Gusto mo pa talaga sinusundan ka ‘no??  Get in the car!”

His booming voice was enough to make me jump right back in the car.  He was furious at me for everything.  Perhaps he was most furious with the delay I was causing him.

He drove on, then stopped at a quiet corner.  He was still confrontational, booming voice and all, and that made me cry even harder.  The madder he got, the more upset I became.  The more upset I became, the harder I cried.  The harder I cried, the angrier he got.  It was like a vicious cycle.  After a while, his voice started to soften.  He apologized and said all the right things he could possibly say.

“I’m sorry.  I’m under a lot of stress, and you’re part of the reason why.  I didn’t realize how I made you feel, but now I know so I’ll try to work on it,” he said.

That used to work on me.  That used to soothe my tired and very badly bruised heart.  But at that time I felt nothing but this nagging ache that wouldn’t go away.

I have been hurt too many times.  I have heard the apologies so many times, and yet it happens again and again.  What happened that day wasn’t at all new to me.  In fact, it was like a rerun of an old episode in our almost six-year-relationship.

I so wanted it to work.  His apology, I mean.  But it almost meant nothing earlier.  It just seemed empty.

How much more of this can I take?  I never thought of myself as the martyr type, but I guess all the doormats in this world started off that way.

This relationship isn’t working; I know I need to end it at some point.  But why can’t I do it now???  I know that nobody else can do it for me—I’m the only one who can say that it’s over.  But I still love him.  I really do, more than anything.  In my mind I keep on wishing that things will change, that everything will work out in the end…  But every time something changes, it’s for the worse!

I do know what I need to do…  But I can’t fucking do it and I hate myself for it.

*****

That’s something I wrote back in 2007, exactly three years ago. It’s amazing how far I’ve come. I mean, I’m fine now. No more tears…

So I guess he did me a favor when he ended it.

BUT… It wasn’t that bad, really. We were happy for the most part, and I’d rather remember the good than the bad. So, after posting this I’m going to punish myself by looking at more happy pictures. Hahaha.=P